Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Two Drunk man - Funny Street Fight for ugly Girls." Tonight's commentator: Pittsburgh Penguins blogger Rich Miller. (Coming next week: Pearlman, on the Strong Island Chuck E. Cheese brawl.)
I am assuming the backdrop here is there is some sort of ongoing love triangle in which the prize happens to be the dirty blonde female in the pink top. That or this prostitute went against the non-compete agreement in her contract with one of these two pimps.
Either way, what we ultimately have is two idiots fighting in whatever country this came from.
The buildup to this is rather boring; basically these girls are just trolling for the crowd. Even before the guys who will eventually be fighting over this diamond in the rough enter the picture, it’s perfectly obvious that there will be no true winner here.
Fittingly, this is all going down on a street corner; give the home field advantage to the ladies. It is here where we finally meet our combatants. These two are pleading their cases to the group. The first guy is decidedly bigger, but the other guy is way drunker so I can’t decide on an early favorite.
The girls eventually pledge their allegiance to the bigger guy. Of course, being rejected by this group is basically rock bottom so the drunk guy protests this decision. The turning point comes when the ugliest of the group does a goose step in his direction.
He is already a beaten man when he shoves this chick back to the road and then proceeds to take a swing at his tainted love. The big guy intervenes to defend their honor (lol) and after a minute and a half of absolute bullshit these assholes are finally throwing down.
The drunk guy scores the early advantage with a takedown and a kick. This quickly becomes a four on one situation however when the ho train jumps in. The drunk guy maintains long enough to get this back to one on one when the chick in the pink abruptly chucks a rock at his head. This is where shit gets funny.
The rock narrowly misses the drunk guy, but lands closer to this random dude who couldn’t find the time to button is awful red-striped shirt. He seemed to be on the brink of storming the ring but a rock zipping past his dome changed the plans. He appropriately says fuck this and exits however we will see him again.
The drunk guy throws some wild haymakers that don’t come anywhere close to landing, doing so he takes himself down because holy shit somebody has to. The camera guy finally does something right when he spans back over to the guy in the unbuttoned shirt and his buddy who sort of looks like Pauly D. While the other two idiots battle it out he’s comforting the chick in the pink. Even after witnessing what life with this girl can be like, this guy throws caution to the wind and pulls a dirty bird. Don’t hate the player?
The fight itself is still going nowhere and has truly become an utter disappointment.
Neither one of these guys can fight at all.
Unbuttoned-shirt guy gets greedy and reappears to steal another girl while our fighters continue to slow dance. Eventually, the bigger guy seems to catch on to these shenanigans and begins explaining the situation to the drunk guy.
Things are at a standstill when out of nowhere the drunk guy reboots and scores another takedown. Unbeknownst to the bigger guy, this fight is back on!
The drunk guy once again is the aggressor and gets a few slaps in before the bigger guy hits the deck for the third time. This time he falls into one of the girls and tries to tag her in to no avail.
The drunk guy displays some charisma when he throws a stiff arm into the big guy and begins talking to his fist. This is how the fight will inevitably end as the cops have now arrived to scene. They probably went to jail, but if this was hockey I'm not even sure they would receive fighting majors.
Don Cherry would be so disappointed in their performance, no grit at all.
As expected, nobody wins, and I have no idea what the hell I just watched.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• This could either be the International Raceway in Memphis or Budds Creek, Md. Wherever it is, this pit-area brawl was such that a wide swath of land was covered wit' weave pieces and whatnot. (Start of Violence, instantly)
• BADMINTON BRAWL! BADMINTON BRAWL! BAD! MINTON! BRAWWWWLLL! h/t The Man With The Fully Alias (SoV, instantly)
• This case study in the physics of racial harmony is titled, "huge and heavy black women brutally beat up two white girls real violence street fight." (SoV, instantly)
• These bros are totes stronger than the storm. (SoV, 2:10)
• BELT FIGHT AT A SOCCER MATCH!!! (SoV, instantly)
• Just some bros hanging out in the dusty plains of 'Merica with a bunch of cameras, overflowing with unrequited passion:
• This is called "Sandman beat down," and I have a feeling that's a pretty raycess title. (SoV, 1:28)
• There was a brawl at Sunday's Colombian Festival in Elizabeth, N.J. (SoV, instantly)
• Dashcam fight film! Only unlike in Russia, where they know how to shoot these things real good like, the Temple City, Cal. version is distant and aloof. (SoV, 1:43)
• Lo, the knockdown had already come. Yet, surrounded by a horde of people, he picked himself off the concrete and soldiered on. Not for them. But for himself. (SoV, 0:11)
• Denny's Brawl Intermezzo:
• If you've never seen a lady in a bikini wildin' on a Burger King counter, this one's for you. (SoV, 0:28)
• Translated: "The boys stood quietly and triturated their business, and then how it started ... if two words - started a real street fight with all that it implies." (SoV, 0:33)
• Topless strip-mall parking-lot pugilism. Woot! (SoV, 0:04)
• Vegas Bros Intermezzbros, Bros:
• How they fight in Poland, with fantastic commentary, this is. (SoV, instantly)
• "Mama, stop. Mama, please." (SoV, 0:33)
• Yeah, she did get fucked up. (SoV, instantly)
• Shit got real outside the Cowfish Bar the other night. Wherever that is. (SoV, instantly)
• The "Street fight titties & she got kicked an the head" Recap Show:
• From America's birthplace, this here fight is titled for, and battled in, my neighborhood. Woot! (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: If you can't fight, don't fight (SoV, 0:53). Bonus Coverage II: North Philly street boxing (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage III: "HOOD FIGHTS WEST PHILLY (CHICKS IN THE MIX P.2) (SoV, throughout).
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao comes "Here’s A Gaggle Of Chengguan Beating Up Jiangsu Villagers" (SoV, 0:14).
• Really wish this one had presented itself prior to ZODIAC MF's stunning turn as lead reviewer last week, as it's in Detroit and all. (SoV, 0:10) Related story: Another Detroit melee (SoV, instantly).
• While I think we may have seen this one before, the shocking regularity with which San Diego brobrawls are appearing on YouTube may warrant the inclusion of a San Diego TNF correspondent. Email resumes and commitment-to-cause statement. (SoV, 0:02)
• WHITE BOY FIGHT Live Look-In:
• Just another day outside the Russian clubz. (SoV, instantly)
• Just another day on Russia public transport. (SoV, 1:12)
• They called this video the "Simple street fight." But there's nothing simple about eight minutes that, if only for a fleeting moment, includes tittays and azz and commitment to YouTube posting. Got it. Got it. Got. It. (SoV, 1:43)
• Others: "BEST EVER Russian Tae Kwon Do girl woman vs Man boy Kicks Beats him in Street Fight! Kickboxing." "Street fight inside a bus." "Street Fight Hood [july 14, 2013]." "Craziness: Group Brawl Turns Into A Machete Fight After Guy Tries Snatching Another Mans Chain!" "Puerto Rican Day Parade Chick Fight in Bridgeport Ct." "College Street Chick Fight In Toronto." "Hot Chick Fight Girls in bikini fight in Australia." "Websterhall Brawl." "Fight at the Mall." "EHS Brawl." "Brawl 1v1 fight 2 irish kids fighting outside bar." "Green Bay Brawl pt2." "+18..sexy chick lost her panties during fight...lol." "Street Fight in Tamp Bay University Mall." "Street Fight gets out of hand Cholo gets ROCKED." "Insane fight out of a bar."
• The You Go Girl Superfightbackfuntime Coda: