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Zlatan Ibrahimović has never once let us down, so there was no question that he would score in his Premier League debut with Manchester United against Bournemouth today; the only question was how. Volley from 40 yards out? Bender from a corner? Hypnosis? If you had your money on “exploiting a near-invisible seam,” collect your winnings.

Figuring out how to reconcile their feelings for Zlatan with their feelings for Manchester United is something billions will be doing this year.