Atlético Madrid Beat Barça In Champions League, Dream Season Continues

It's all fun and games cheering on plucky upstarts Atlético Madrid, right up until the point they tear out your heart and play keepy-uppy with it. So excuse me if I'm not appropriately excited about Atlético's thoroughly deserved and enjoyable-for-neutrals 1-0 Champions League win over Barcelona. » 4/09/14 5:37pm 4/09/14 5:37pm

Sad Man United Score Great Goal, Then Get Pounded In Champions League

So...the gig's up. Manchester United, who have played like absolute dog shit all season long, almost definitely won't play in the Champions League next season. After drawing defending CL champions FC Bayern last week in the first leg of their quarterfinal, they needed to avoid a loss in Germany to advance to the… » 4/09/14 4:58pm 4/09/14 4:58pm

Typical José: Chelsea's Champions League Win Was Right On Schedule

José Mourinho's teams are some goddamn cockroaches, man. Just when you think you've got them squashed, their viscous innards seeping from their corrugated underbelly—as PSG could've justifiably believed, leading Chelsea 3-1 after the first leg of their Champions League tie—they somehow keep right on crawling and end up… » 4/09/14 2:03pm 4/09/14 2:03pm

Watch The Stunning Champions League Strike That Put Atléti Up On Barça

Barcelona welcomed Atlético Madrid to the Camp Nou today in what is becoming a regular rivalry of increasingly large stakes. It was a Champions League matchup this time, as tense and cagey as you'd expect—that is, until Diego decided he'd had enough and straight flattened a ball into the net from about 25 yards. » 4/01/14 5:05pm 4/01/14 5:05pm

Manchester United Get A Big Win, Remain Soccer's Funniest Joke

Coaches and players often say, when asked whether something or other has added fire to an upcoming game, that if just being in the Big Time Sporting Event doesn't motivate you, you're beyond hope anyway. If that's true, then Manchester United's passion-filled 3-0 comeback against Olympiakos probably doesn't say much… » 3/20/14 5:04pm 3/20/14 5:04pm

Diego Costa Just Won't Stop Scoring

Spanish side Atlético Madrid are hosting AC Milan this evening in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie. Madrid snuck an away 1-0 win at Milan in the first match after an 83rd-minute goal from Brazilian-born Spanish forward Diego Costa. Today, it only took him three minutes to add to his Champions… » 3/11/14 4:49pm 3/11/14 4:49pm

Gareth Bale And Cristiano Ronaldo Swiss-Cheesed Schalke's Defense

Hey, stupid Real Madrid fans: can we stop pretending like Gareth Bale isn't still the great player Madrid thought they were buying? Today's complete demolishment of Schalke in the Champions League has to finally shut you guys up, right? » 2/26/14 5:05pm 2/26/14 5:05pm

Sad Manchester United Lose Following Wonder Goal From Joel Campbell

Manchester United traveled to Greece to play Olympiakos FC in the Champions League, and they caught an ass-whooping. Olympiakos opened scoring in the 38th minute, when an Alejandro Dominguez shot from the top of the box was deflected before tragically trickling past United keeper David de Gea into the back of the net. » 2/25/14 4:52pm 2/25/14 4:52pm

Could A Simple New Rule Stop Refs From Ruining Big Soccer Games?

We're only a quarter of the way through this round of the Champions League, but by far the two best ties—Barcelona vs. Manchester City and Bayern Munich vs. Arsenal—are all but technically over. And while neither result is necessarily surprising, it's unfortunate that both matches turned on the controversial red… » 2/20/14 2:30pm 2/20/14 2:30pm

Who Are The Best Dribblers In Champions League? A Ranking, 1 To 160

Dribbling is the most visually striking aspect of soccer. The excitement in the game flows from both nearly and actually made goals, and the beauty from the intricate passing and telekinetic movement of a true team. But from a strictly visual perspective, there is no clearer demonstration of mastery than the dribble. » 2/20/14 10:52am 2/20/14 10:52am

Arsenal Keeper Red-Carded, Leaves Pitch Making Vigorous Wanking Motion

Arsenal played defending Champions League winners FC Bayern today in the tournament's round of 16. On paper, the Gunners seemed overmatched, so much so that we asked if the Premier League's second-place team were capable of even giving the Germans a game. Turns out, they were for a while! » 2/19/14 4:56pm 2/19/14 4:56pm