How To Make Chili, Instead Of Just Arguing About It All The Damn Time

Summer is over, pretty definitively: The mornings are cold and crisp and the leaves are beginning to change colors and the soupy yellow humidity-haze is gone from the air and there's Halloween shit on display in the grocery stores and, uh, like, also literally?—summer is actually over. It's autumn now. There was a… » 9/27/14 10:31am Saturday 10:31am

How To Make Pasta With Leeks And Prosciutto, While There's Still Time

Oh shit, dinner is still A Thing. It exists. Disaster. This is you, creeping incrementally homeward in the transportation gridlock of your locale and mode of transit, flop-sweaty and wild-eyed like John Lithgow on the airplane, doing a frantic mental inventory of the nigh-barren refrigerator waiting for you and the… » 9/20/14 12:10pm 9/20/14 12:10pm

How To Make A Baked Egg--Yes, Goddammit, A Baked Egg

You say "baked egg" and people look at you like they're concerned for your wellbeing and go, "... baked egg?" And you go, "Yeah, y'know, like a shirred egg, only more Italian," and they go, "What in the damn hell is a 'shirred egg'?" And then you say, "Oh, goddammit, now I'm gonna have to write about this in my… » 9/13/14 12:32pm 9/13/14 12:32pm

How To Make Creamy Polenta, Which Puts The "Gruel" Back In "Grueling"

There's no way around it: Making real, from-scratch creamy polenta is a pain in the ass. Right from the jump: You have to find the right kind of cornmeal, and it's annoying; then you have to cook it for a long time, and that is also annoying; and god, what if you fuck it up, after all that, won't that just be the… » 9/06/14 10:24am 9/06/14 10:24am

How To Grill A Skirt Steak, A Mere 11 Minutes Of Worthwhile Labor

Grilling skirt steak is the easiest, fastest way to get steak into multiple people at the same time. This makes it well suited to Labor Day's two traditions: the notion of a holiday from work, and the often contradictory practice of throwing a big exciting cookout on this day when you're supposed to be taking a break… » 8/30/14 9:40am 8/30/14 9:40am

Smackdown: Burger King's Extra Long BBQ Vs. McDonald's Jalapeño Double

At first glance, a horizontally oriented double cheeseburger doesn't seem very flashy: Mankind is well accustomed to taking our meals the long way. Cheesesteaks, ribs, roll-ups, Twinkies, wraps, corn, whatever the hell a hoagie is: All these and more have been served to us on the landscape setting since long before… » 8/13/14 2:36pm 8/13/14 2:36pm

How To Make Hushpuppies, Which Are Man's Second-Best Friend

You may already know one of the many (likely apocryphal) hushpuppy origin stories, in some form or another. A familiar one has an old-timey Deep South cook (possibly a slave, depending on the storyteller's willingness to acknowledge the foundational crime of American history) preparing food for some form of large,… » 8/09/14 10:22am 8/09/14 10:22am

Lay's Cappuccino Potato Chips Are Abominable

The other day, Deadspin's own Albert Burneko thoughtfully suggested we use pork in our New England clam chowder, which of course triggered the tiresome whine-siren of the Regional Food Authenticity Police, who are far more concerned with adhering to the exact chowder ingredients Tom Brady specified in the Mayflower… » 8/06/14 3:23pm 8/06/14 3:23pm

How To Ditch The Pillsbury Dough-Log And Make Your Own Cookies

Ah, the chocolate-chip cookie. Many a confectionery addiction kicked off the moment an impressionable youngster watched a vulgar blue puppet shovel platefuls of these things into his gaping, vacant mouth-hole. This obsession probably also explains why the Sexy Cookie Monster costume exists. (Related: I'm still… » 7/22/14 2:09pm 7/22/14 2:09pm

Fast-Food Fight: Subway's Pulled Pork Vs. Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Burger

There are three main founts of greasy innovation whence spring the majority of new fast-food items. The bulk originate in the wide and shallow Same Shit, Different Condiments pool; they are joined by more ambitious offerings from the genres of Cynical Stunt Food and Honest-to-Ronald Attempts to Introduce Nice New… » 7/18/14 2:54pm 7/18/14 2:54pm

How To Make Seafood Paella, Whether It's Traditional Or Not

Picture the scene! An early summer evening in Valencia, Spain, in the mid-19th century; an aromatic open fire of orange and pine branches, and pine cones, crackles happily in an orchard clearing. A wide, flat pan, enormous, two feet across, sits suspended over the flames. The men, their olde-thymey pants hitched to… » 7/12/14 1:02pm 7/12/14 1:02pm

All Shock, No Awe: 7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded, Reviewed

Are you repulsed by the idea of eating prepared food from a convenience-store chain most notable for a sludgy cold-sugar drink with the word "slurp" in the name? Are you fundamentally opposed to having your lunch heated in a machine also used to reinvigorate yesterweek's Go-Go Taquitos? Are you not magnetically… » 7/08/14 3:45pm 7/08/14 3:45pm

God Save Dairy Queen: Scenes From The Fast-Food Franchise Wars

Manhattan's first Dairy Queen opened last month, its arrival heralded by months of agonizingly sincere public debate. Critics bemoaned the suburbanization of their precious city and exhorted responsible New Yorkers to patronize their nearest Mister Softee truck instead, rather than feed the soulless, character-less… » 7/07/14 11:59am 7/07/14 11:59am

How To Make Macaroni Salad, The Very Least You Can Do

"Hey guys, we're having a [variety of outdoor cookout-y shindig] on [date] at [place], and we'd love for you to come! We'll have beer and [variety of greasy meat], and [dude] has agreed to whip up a batch of his famous [really fatty and gross but also kind of delicious side, probably with little pieces of bacon in… » 7/05/14 2:42pm 7/05/14 2:42pm