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Are Everton Really Dumb Enough To Turn Down Tons Of Money For John Stones?

John Stones is a promising English center back currently playing for Everton, who’s pretty good and has every chance to get better. His talent, youth, potential, position, and Englishness all make him a very hot and very valuable commodity. (Word to Raheem Sterling.) But apparently out of some misguided belief in the… » 8/27/15 4:59pm Yesterday 4:59pm

Manchester United Still Don't Realize They're Not Manchester United Anymore

It’s kind of cute, if in a sad sort of way. Manchester United, once the biggest name in the game, chasing after superstars in the press like a giddy child racing after lightning bugs in the night, hoping to nab one or two like the big clubs can but knowing deep down that it won’t actually happen. » 8/26/15 4:43pm Wednesday 4:43pm

These Two Petr Čech Saves Are The Best Saves

Arsenal are hosting Liverpool today in the Premier League, and through one half, the Gunners look like complete and utter bullcrap against the visitors. It’s remarkable how many players in Arsenal’s starting XI appear to be betting against their team on the same day. And yet—and yet!— it’s still scoreless at half.… » 8/24/15 4:45pm Monday 4:45pm

Manchester City Stake Their Claim As The Premier League's Best Team

You wouldn’t exactly describe it as a shock. It was Manchester City, after all. Winners of two of the last four Premier League titles; armed with the best goalscorers in the country; with one of its twistiest, most creative talents; newly infused with the precocious abilities of England’s most promising young prospect » 8/17/15 3:20pm 8/17/15 3:20pm

Mario Balotelli Does Lots Of Dumb Things, So Liverpool Want No Part Of Him

Liverpool have pretty obviously been trying to offload the mercurial and misfiring Mario Balotelli for months now. And while we haven’t yet seen the kind of public outbursts we’re used to when Balo has previously overstayed his welcome, the Independent has a rundown of previously unreported incidents that have… » 8/13/15 4:34pm 8/13/15 4:34pm

Here's José Mourinho's Bullshit Excuse For Why He Demoted His Team Doctor

Earlier this week, José Mourinho demoted Chelsea’s long-serving team doctor, days after he publicly showed her up during a game last weekend. He’s rightly come in for criticism for the decision, so now “sources close” to him have concocted an excuse for the change: the players didn’t feel comfortable around a lady.… » 8/12/15 6:46pm 8/12/15 6:46pm

José Mourinho Demotes Team Doctor After Blowing Up Her Spot On Pitch

Eva Carneiro, the long-serving Chelsea first team doctor, has been a staple of the team’s matches over the years, rushing out onto the pitch as the first responder to any and all of their injuries. It’s very likely that one such attempt to treat a player on the field last weekend will be her last, however, because… » 8/11/15 1:20pm 8/11/15 1:20pm

Jose Mourinho Is In Midseason Form As Chelsea Barely Survive Swansea

Chelsea opened their Premier League title defense today with a topsy turvy 2-2 draw against Swansea City. As you can see, Jose Mourinho ain’t too happy about it. Our staff of amateur lip readers concurs that he’s dropping a “Fuck off Michael!”—directed towards referee Michael Oliver—but you could make the case that… » 8/08/15 3:31pm 8/08/15 3:31pm

The First Goal Of The Premier League Season Is ... An Own Goal

Here it is, the day we’ve all been waiting for: the return of the EPL. Manchester United-Tottenham is our opener, and though Spurs started brightly, all their good work was undone thanks to a terrible pass by Nabil Bentaleb. It wasn’t the prettiest season-christening goal, but we’ll take it. » 8/08/15 8:17am 8/08/15 8:17am

The Best Of The Best: Our 2015-16 Premier League Preview, Pt. 3

You’ve made it to the third and final installment of our Premier League preview, and what lies below is a rundown of what we at Deadspin consider the six (6) least bad teams in all of England’s top flight. This thirdish of the league is important because this is where teams are fighting for all-important qualification… » 8/07/15 12:29pm 8/07/15 12:29pm

The Uncomfortable Middle: Our 2015-16 Premier League Preview, Pt. 2

For the American sports fan, following soccer means a reorientation about what constitutes success. With the success of the top teams reinforced by Champions League appearances and an enhanced global profile, there is a virtuous cycle to being good that makes it even harder to break into the top. At the other end,… » 8/06/15 5:47pm 8/06/15 5:47pm

Some Guy Simulated 1,000 Seasons Into The Future In Football Manager

Everybody knows that the true joy of playing Football Manager is getting a decade or so into the future and seeing the new Messis and Ronaldos and Mourinhos and Guardiolas come and go. Reddit user “Lorf_Yimzo” took this to its logical conclusion, setting up a save in England, simulating into the year 3015, and… » 8/04/15 9:35am 8/04/15 9:35am

José Mourinho Is Shitting On Managers Again, Which Means Soccer's Back!

We’ve seen preseason play and preseason brawls, and now that José Mourinho has broken out the ol’ charcoal grill and laid on a couple thick slabs of Arsène Wenger and Manuel Pellegrini tenderloin, the aroma of preseason beef means the Premier League season is just around the corner. » 7/28/15 6:39pm 7/28/15 6:39pm

Raheem Sterling Is Making Bank Because England Sucks

Raheem Sterling is already, at just 20 years of age, a damn good player, with every chance to become great. This obviously and understandably makes him a very valuable asset, as his now official English-record transfer and new salary attest. What he isn’t is £180,000 a week good. His mix of current ability and… » 7/14/15 5:34pm 7/14/15 5:34pm

Liverpool Don't Deserve Raheem Sterling

Here’s our daily exercise in keeping competing thoughts in our heads at the same time. European soccer has become player ruled. Particularly in the post-Chelsea, post-Manchester City era, there’s more money sloshing around in the top league than many entire nations. There’s no loyalty to club and not much more to… » 6/24/15 6:29pm 6/24/15 6:29pm

Premier League Starlet Pictured Passed Out In Middle Of The Road

Jack Grealish, the 19-year-old future-stud winger for Aston Villa, had a season to be proud of. He broke into the first team, becoming a regular starter by the end of the season, and impressed enough to be linked with bigger teams. To celebrate, it appears he got lit up in Spain, concluding at least one night assed… » 6/16/15 10:30am 6/16/15 10:30am