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We would have to think that if you're a low-level publicity person in charge of writing dreary press releases about small-school college football teams, you would do anything to escape the endless dreariness of your job. (We can't imagine the folks at Coastal Carolina are constantly battling off an incorrigible media throng.)

The folks at Coastal Carolina this week, trying to drum up a modicum of interest in their BIG GAME with Jerry Falwell's Liberty University this weekend, have peppered their entire press release with "Seinfeld" quotes. A guess at a conversation that took place this morning in Conway, S.C.

Sports Information Director: Uh, Tom, we've had some confusion about the press release this morning.
Tom, Assistant SID: Sir, before you get into that, I was wondering if you could maybe hand me that stapler.
SID: Oh, sure, Tom. Here you are. (pause) Tom, why are you stapling your testicles to the desk?
Tom: It's the only way I can feel. The only way.

Coastal Carolina-Liberty Game Notes [Go CCU Sports] (PDF)