We know this has already been covered here, but, honestly, we're still so blown away by Clinton Portis' performance as "Coach Janky Spanky" yesterday that we feel obliged to point out the highlights for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of watching it yet. Here's a cheat sheet.
• :18: Wearing a whistle, tight pants, a fake gut and oversized ears as a headset, Portis enters, introduces himself as "Coach Janky Spanky" and says "that Gregg Williams ain't got nothing on me."
• :42: Randomly scribbling nonsense, the press corps, usually cracking up during these things, is oddly silent. It almost seems as if Portis is bombing.
• 1:06: The first big laugh: Portis, inexplicably, writes the word "ETTE" on the clipboard and the letters "MS" above it, then draws sharp lines downward. He looks at the reporters: "Look at that. There's no way you can stop that blitz."
• 2:32: Portis claims that Coach Janky Spanky took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl.
• 3:11: When asked how Coach Janky Spanky would stop Clinton Portis, he says you'd need two extra "SS" (Sean Taylor) on the field, "13 guys." "That guy Portis, he gets horse-collared a lot, and that's illegal. They're not calling it, so if I get two extra guys on the field, no one will ever even notice."
• 3:36: Someone asks a question about Portis' mom, and Portis — swear to God — blows his whistle. "Don't ask about Portis' mom, she's bad, she's tough, she's a tough one." To illustrated what happened in Philadelphia's stands with his mother, he draws an "O" on his clipboard and then punches it.
• 4:37: Actual exchange:
Reporter: "Coach Janky Spanky, is Clinton Portis going to run for 100 yards this week?"
Portis: "With 13 players on the field, it's gonna be tough."
• 5:08: Another exchange:
Reporter: "Your ears seem to be a different color."
Portis: "Well, I'm nervous."
• 5:40: Portis carries on an imaginary conversation with coach Joe Gibbs through his headset. The best part about this is that the press corps waits to ask a question for about five seconds because they're waiting for the "conversation" to end.
• 6:32: When asked about a Gibbs comment that Portis, if he were coach, would have his team practicing in their underwear, Portis says, "Yeah, that's because it would be No Contact. Men won't touch other men in their underwear."
• 8:30: Portis breaks character for his first question: The one from the lone female reporter.
• 9:58: Beaten down by the relentless "are you looking past the Buccaneers?" and "has this team hit its stride?" questions, Portis' eyes go dead and he answers in the same monotone drone as every other athlete. Poor guy.
• 10:50: Portis' right ear falls off.
• 11:30: Portis, out of character, admits he "didn't want to do this today," but that his teammates convinced him to. Another reason to root for the Redskins.
• 14:33: Portis, along with Coach Janky Spanky, wraps up. For the last time?