If the real sports world were like the Deadspin sports world, someone like Dennis Rodman or Joe Pepitone would be popping open some champagne this morning, 1972 Dolphins-style: The Clinton Portis madness streak has finally come to an end.
Yesterday, with his weekly press conference a day early, Portis came out dressed as himself. His name was "Hot Stuff." And he read from a letter. It said:
Dear Clinton: You're a special guy. Your sense of humor is amazing. But honestly: You are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in my life. What you do to me when I see your face is mind-boggling. Clinton, I would love to just see you come out as yourself. That turns me on more than anything you'll ever know. If I had the opportunity, what I would do to you would just rock your world.
Portis then turns to the reporters, grins and says, "Therefore, I couldn't dress up as anyone. I had to come out and show my beautiful face."
Now. Ignoring the fact that this sounds suspiciously like Joe Gibbs impersonating a groupie, we find it impossible to believe that Portis, crazy or not, could ever possibly feel the need to woo a female by nuking the persona that has elevated him from above-average running back to the single most popular NFL player on the Web. (Besides, Portis is pretty clear about what he wants "in a bad bitch.")
No, the reality is much sadder: Portis is getting tired of this act; he has run out of personas. We are not upset at this, or even disappointed; we simply salute him. He has made this NFL season much more entertaining than it would have been otherwise, and, honestly, we find ourselves chuckling every time we even think about Portis roaming the streets, looking for the missing Southeast Jerome.
Thank you, Mr. Portis. It was a great run, and we were honored to be a witness.