The Chicago Cubs unveiled their new mascot yesterday to little acclaim. That's what happens when you create a mascot that looks like a nightmarish, perverted furry and lends itself to horrible Photoshop alterations. But Clark the Cub is just the latest in a long line of ill-advised Chicago mascots. Here now is a quick review of all terrible mascots that Chicago has birthed.

Terrifying Squirrelbeast: Chicago Cubs, 1908-?:

We've met the Terrifying Squirrelbeast of the 1908 Cubs before, but this list would be invalid if it did not begin with him. The most frightening thing about this beast is that we don't really have any contextual information to provide about how or why it came to be. We can only assume that it sprung forth from some portal into hell hidden within the ivy at Wrigley Field, only returning to its home after having satisfied its hunger for human souls.

Ribbie and Roobarb: Chicago White Sox, 1981-1988:

Ribbie and Roobarb were the brainchild of the same marketing firm that created the Philly Phanatic, but whereas the Phanatic brings a certain off-the-wall charm to the field, these two just confused and scared everyone. Look at Roobarb's face (he's the green one) and tell me it isn't reminiscent of the post-cannibal attack visage of Ronald Poppo. You can't. For a more complete history of how the brief and misguided existence of these two doofy-ass mascots, head on over to South Side Sox

Andy the Clown: Chicago White Sox, 1960-1991:

The only thing worse than Ribbie and Roobarb was the unofficial mascot they were meant to replace. South Side Sox again has the full story of Andy the Clown, who was a guy who started showing up at White Sox games in a clown getup and was eventually allowed into the stadium for free. People in Chicago apparently liked this guy and were angry when the Sox tried to replace him, which is insane, because clowns are the worst thing. I mean, look at this:

If there is a soul behind those eyes, I can't find it.

Da Bull: Chicago Bulls, 1995-2004:

Da Bull was brought along to be the hard-edged, menacing sidekick to Benny the Bull. That turned out to be a bad idea, for a few reasons. For one, Benny the Bull doesn't need a sidekick because Benny the Bull is one of the best mascots in sports, so the existence of a more bull-looking mascot with a frowny face was entirely unnecessary. Also, Da Bull was popped for trying to sell weed to kids in 2004 and was dropped from the team shortly thereafter.


And yet, we can't judge Da Bull too harshly for his off-court indiscretions. Benny the Bull has a decent rap sheet of his own.

Staley Da Bear: Chicago Bears, 2003-present:

Staley Da Bear looks like that guy at the bar who seemed like a pretty normal dude four whiskey gingers ago, but now is just staring at you with angry eyes and is this close to saying something really racist.

DIBS: DePaul Blue Demons, 1999-Present:

Not only is the Blue Demons' mascot unnecessarily furry and in possession of a soul patch, it also has one of the worst mascot names in history. Want to know what DIBS stands for? Demon In A Blue Suit. That's a really, really dumb name, right? Let's look it over a few more times just to make sure:

Demon In A Blue Suit.

Demon In A Blue Suit.

Demon In A Blue Suit.

Yep, that name sucks.

Willie the Wildcat: Northwestern, 1961-?:

Northwestern's current mascot isn't that bad, despite the fact that it sometimes looks like a sad old man, but the 1961 version of the Wildcat was truly awful. Why is he holding a plunger, and what is that crap coming out of its eyes supposed to be? Please don't say blood.