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Contrary to what NBC would love for you to believe, the Olympics opening ceremonies do not begin tonight; they're actually happening right now. (They might even be over by now.) The above picture is from one of those ridiculous overwraught shows they do every Olympics; we don't know if Bjork was there, but we'll be kind of disappointed if she wasn't.

But anyway, the Olympics are actually revving up now, and unless you're actually named Dick Pound, they're going to be surrounding you over the next two weeks. We're going to do our best to keep up — thankfully, people are telling us what we must watch out for and writing amusing bromides about their experiences there — but we're also gonna keep a close eye on the conveniently timed porn convention being held in Turin.

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In other words, the Olympics are starting, and we still have that sinking feeling that we're going to not understand a single sport. We're going to try to watch anyway ... after "Arrested Development," anyway.