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As we congratulate Tiger Woods for finally figuring out the correct way to slap another man's hand with his own, we take a look at the Masters, which, for all its bluster and Carlyle Group vibe, is the one golf tournament we look forward to every year, even if it's just because it reminds us that eventually, it won't be so damned freezing out. Plus, it's fun to watch overweight, balding white men cream in their jeans about the "hallowed ground" of big huge patches of grass and sand.

Anyway, Tiger ended the day at even par, five strokes behind the leader, Vijay Singh, or as we like to call him, Senor Happy Pants. Alas, it turns out that pounding beers and sucking down Marlboros isn't the best training regiment after all; John Daly is currently two over par. Pity.

In a totally unrelated note, Barry Bonds just stepped to the plate in San Francisco and received, of course, a standing ovation. We have always had a sneaking suspicion that Barry and Hootie Johnson are secret best pals. Bonds was intentionally walked with one out and runners on second and third, an obvious situation; the Giants announcers still called Bobby Cox a "chicken." Evil comes in many forms, friends.

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The Masters [Official Site]
Tiger Woods, Mr. Cool [Deadspin]
Ah, The Pageantry Of August [Deadspin]