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Our biggest belly laugh of the weekend comes from the mad geniuses at Yard Work, who reacted to the news of Single A pitcher Matthew Varner being suspended 50 games for steroids with a brilliant mock column from Varner explaining why he used steroids.

An excerpt:

[On the road], the ladies wouldn't pay any attention to me and I couldn't blame them. I used to be the guy who stood meekly in a corner watching the girls flock to the muscle-bound corner outfielders. You try explaining what a "save" is to a barely legal blonde girl who's working on her fifth draft beer. Those girls looked at my skinny frame and they didn't believe me when I said I was with the team. ... After I grew these 19" guns, the girls didn't want to talk about short relief. They saw the muscles, and those muscles said "pro athlete" loud and clear. The muscles said "home runs" in a language these dewy-eyed farmers daughters could understand.

It goes on from there like that. Big fun.

Mea Culpa (With Benefits) [Yard Work]
Minor Leaguers Suspended [Sign On San Diego]