Pictured: The average NFL team roster by Week 5.
Four bye weeks this week. Four bye weeks, 28 teams playing, 14 games. Here’s the interesting number, though: the injury reports for those 14 games include 288 different players! Two hundred and eighty eight players! And we’re just at Week 5!
The NFL: still a goddamn thresher.
Here’s some other, better stuff:
1 p.m. — NBC — PGA Tour Golf: 2015 President’s Cup, Final Round
The final round ended (dramatically) in the wee hours of this morning, but because it happened in South Korea, you were likely asleep at the time. NBC’s got you covered.
1 p.m. — Twitch — eSports: Hearthstone Americas Championship
2:30 p.m. — ESPN — UEFA 2016 Euro Qualifiers: Poland vs Republic of Ireland
I know absolutely nothing about these two sides, except that Robert Lewandowski of Poland is a goddamn monster and is likely to do some spectacular shit.
2:30 p.m. — FOX Sports 1 — UEFA 2016 Euro Qualifiers: Germany vs Georgia
Oh man. This is gonna be a bloodbath.
3:30 p.m. — NBC Golf Channel — PGA Champions Tour: SAS Championship Final Round
By far, the worst part of putting together this schedule is navigating the PGA Tour’s website. Holy shit.
2:35 p.m. — ESPN 3 — International Friendly Soccer: Denmark vs France
This could be fun. France will win, but it could be fun.
4:10 p.m. — MLB Network — AL Divisional Series Baseball: Royals @ Astros
The series is tied up at a game apiece. It’ll be Edinson Volquez against Dallas Keuchel today.
8 p.m. — FOX Sports 1 — AL Divisional Series Baseball: Blue Jays @ Rangers
How did this happen??? The Rangers are up 2-0 on the Blue Jays! This is bullshit! These are desperate times for our Canadian friends. Probably there is no greater humiliation for the gentle people of the north than losing to a team from Texas.
8:30 p.m. — ESPN — WNBA Finals Game 4: Minnesota Lynx vs Indiana Fever
The Lynx have a 2-1 series lead after Game 3’s crazy-ass buzzer-beater finish.
12:30 p.m. — AMC — The Walking Dead
All day! All damn day!
1 p.m. — USA — Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
The old standby. Available all day long.
1 p.m. — We TV — Roseanne
A few episodes to get you through the early games.
1 p.m. — tv Land — The Golden Girls
Enough to get you through the early games.
2 p.m. — FXM — Fargo
A day-long marathon.
3 p.m. — FXX — The Simpsons
Episodes include “Homer Alone,” “Selma’s Choice,” and a bunch of shit. Don’t do it, man.
6 p.m. — Spike — Bar Rescue
I have no idea why I am including this show. What is it? Seriously. What the hell is it.
Noon — Sundance — As Good As It Gets
Everyone is very good in this movie, and it manages to just survive a couple of brushes with extreme corniness.
1 p.m. — Reelz — Bloodsport
This is a powerfully stupid movie, and the whole thing is based upon an outrageous lie by some dipshit karate instructor. But! Donald Gibb is fun to watch as Ray Jackson, and the whole thing has this sorta surreal only-in-the-1980s charm. I mean, it’s awful, but it will keep your attention, one way or another.
1 p.m. — BBC America — Total Recall
How the hell can this movie be shown on television. It’s so outrageously violent! Also, this is the good version, from 1990.
2:30 p.m. — FX — Iron Man
Boy, this series went off the rails. It seems like The Avengers came along and saved Robert Downey’s Iron Man from a sad downward trajectory. If you’re interested, though, FX is showing the sequels in order after this one.
2:30 p.m. — CMT — Footloose
Don’t worry, this is the pretty bad 1984 version, and not the very bad remake.
3 p.m. — Reelz — Top Gun
Here’s something funny: Matthew Modine turned down the “Maverick” role because he didn’t agree with the movie’s politics. That’s great! Now we can imagine an alternate universe in which Matthew friggin’ Modine became a huge action hero leading man and Tom Cruise played the charming scallywag alongside Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island.
Also, as far as I can tell, this movie’s “politics” are “steakheads will be steakheads.” Which, honestly, who the hell can disagree with that?
3 p.m. — TNT — Gran Turino
I’m still not sure why this movie isn’t just wildly uncool. It functions like one of those bad Kinja jokes where the commenter says some ugly, offensive shit, but then attributes it to someone else, as if that’ll make it all better. Only, in this case, Clint Eastwood is attributing all the ugly, racist shit to a character played by ... Clint Eastwood. At any rate, I guess it has its moments. And the title song is very pretty.
3 p.m. — Ovation — Rocky
Stick around after if you feel like watching Rocky II at 5:30 p.m., and later Rocky III at 9 p.m.
3 p.m. — Sundance — Apollo 13
Now here’s a movie that suffers greatly from moments of extreme corniness. If you can time it just right you can switch channels and completely forget that this tense space shuttle thriller movie includes a bunch of overwrought living room scenes.
3:30 p.m. — MTV — Drumline
You’ll have to get past the part where this movie stars Nick Cannon. It’s a good and very fun movie and you will be glad you watched it.
4 p.m. — Syfy — Insidious: Chapter 2
You’ve gotta kinda love Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne for hanging in there for round two. The first movie was scary as hell but very, very silly. This movie is still pretty scary, but holy cow is it ridiculous. And it undoes a lot of what’s scary about the first one! The thing to do is watch this movie once, just to soak up the scares, and then never watch it again and forget about it completely, so you can revisit Insidious every once in a while without having it ruined by all the dumb shit the sequel does to its story.
4 p.m. — IFC — Midnight Run
I will never forgive Bill Simmons for suggesting The Duke should have been played by Robin Williams. Goddammit.
6 p.m. — Pop — The Silence of the Lambs
I have no idea what “Pop” is, but they’re showing a great movie, so they get a nod.
6 p.m. — Sundance — A Few Good Men
Again! This movie is running up the numbers this season.
8 p.m. — Comedy Central — The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Funny and sweet.
8 p.m. — BBC America — The Fifth Element
This is the only movie in which Milla Jovovich has ever been good. And she is good! Luc Besson can make good movies when he’s not making Lucy.
9 p.m. — Syfy — The Conjuring
Here’s how you know Rich Juzwiak of Gawker has questionable taste in horror flicks: he ranks things from worst to best, and he hated The Conjuring. And there’s nothing here to hate! It’s a perfectly serviceable haunted house movie, with plenty of intensely scary shit. Go to hell, Rich Juzwiak.
(Wait, no, he loved It Follows, which is amazing. Fine. Come back from hell, Rich Juzwiak.)
9 p.m. — Sundance — The Godfather
Hell yeah, Sundance.