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12:00, ESPN2: Tennis. French Open, Early Rounds, Day 1. If it's not Federer/Nadal, I'm watching the women. Unless, you know, there's something else on.
12:30, NBC: Senior Golf. PGA Championship, Final Round. You know, if you really love watching old white men play golf, you could just head out to your local muni.
1:00, ABC. Auto Racing. Indianapolis 500. Danica Patrick has gotten out of my dreams, and into her car. Little Billy Ocean for ya. And I said hey, hey, you, you...
2:00, TBS: MLB. Atlanta Braves @ Chicago Cubs. A battle of two-teams who are truly non-threatening.
3:00, CBS: PGA Golf. FedEx St. Jude Classic, Final Round. Hey, more golf. Awesome.
3:30, NBC: Arena Football. Regional coverage, including Philadelphia Soul @ Orlando Predators and Chicago Rush @ Colorado Crush. I hope that a Rush vs. Crush matchup truly brings into focus for the Arena people just how dumb their team names are.
4:30, Spike: Movie. Scarface. So where'd you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin' PINEAPPLE?
5:00, ESPN2: Track and Field: Nike Prefontaine Classic. Hey, look. Racing that does not require excessive amounts of Valvoline.
5:00, Fox: NASCAR. Nextel Cup Coca-Cola 600. No dumb girls here, if you prefer your racing Richard Petty-style.