You know, we're pretty proud of ourselves for not once — not once — making a single "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" comment. Maybe it's because they haven't lost yet. We're gonna see if we can keep that going. Except for now, that is.
Anyway, it's Argentina vs. Serbia & Montenegro, which, as several have pointed out, is not even close to the same thing as Roy and Montecore. And boy, how we've all missed Montecore jokes. A win for Argentina here sends them to the next round; a loss for the Serbs eliminates them from contention.
90:00: Alright, that's it. I've enjoyed liveblogging for you... it's been fun. Enjoy the day, gang.
90:00: There's the whistle... and it's a 6-0 final. That was an assbeating... as big of a route as I've ever seen, in any sport.
90:00: Not really.
89:40: A FLURRY OF GOALS FOR SERBIA & MONTENEGRO, AND IT'S 7-6!
87:38: And it's 6-0 Argentina... they're not even celebrating goals anymore. This is incredible. Crespo to Teves to Messi... near post, under the goalie's outstretched leg. Probably should've been saved.
87:26: Pekerman, Pekerman, Pekerman...
86:54: And Crespo nearly does... goalie with the quality save.
86:22: Fuck it. Come on, Argentina, let's make it 6.
84:12: Shep compares Tevez to a fire hydrant.
83:54: Here comes Teves, having his way with the SerMon defense, just abusing people... and it's 5-0. Oh, that was slick...
83:08: Oleeeeeeeeeee, Ole Ole Oleee... Oleeeeeeee, O-Oleee...
80:45: SerMon player with the dumb hair is still trying... he's begging for a foul call now. Just get up and absorb the shame, man. Let's not prolong this.
80:05: Guy kicks the ball.
77:51: 4-0. Messi with a nice set-up for Crespo... he comes into the game, earns a foul, and off a free kick, sends a pass right across the box for Crespo.
77:32: Handed by the keeper.
76:52: Hey, a SerMon guy attempts a shot. I think the rest of the team is going to get mad at him for trying. Corner kick.
73:50: Hey, here comes Messi. Just because she asked...
73:03: Riquelme back-heels one to Crespo in the box... he's taken down, and that should've been a foul. Should've been a penalty kick there. Ref showing some mercy.
71:27: PLEASE JUST END.
69:16: Milosevic is coming off... that guy's absolutely murdered SerMon's chances here today.
68:26: Argentina's just hanging back now... so that brings the total number of teams who aren't trying up to two. Awesome.
65:51: This has turned into more of a liveblog of what Shep Messing says, as opposed to the actual soccer game.
64:28: Red card on Kezman. Oh, good, so there'll be 10 guys out there not trying. Kezman comes in with his cleats up... Shep calls it a violent attempt to injure. The SerMon coach looks to be on the brink of suicide. Shep says he's as good as fired.
61:04: Wow. Shep and Glenn are hammering SerMon. Glenn Davis says they have absolutely no desire to even try to get the ball back, and Shep says they should just walk off the field. I think that would be kind of awesome.
58:00: Substitution for Argentina... Saviola's off, and Carlos Tevez is on.
54:45: Hey, a chance for SerMon. Milosevic just missed it with his head, though it seemed like he had the time there to settle it down and take his time. Milosevic is not as deadly as you might think.
53:50: Free kick here, just outside the top of the box for Argentina. A 7-man wall for SerMon. Riquelme taking it... bounces it off the wall.
53:07: Riquelme plays a ball through a guy's legs... Shep says that's liable to get him "cracked."
51:40: Very nearly a fourth goal for Argentina... they love the one touch passing. Shep calls it a "cheeky flick."
50:56: Crespo again creates some room for himself, and fires a shot in on goal. Saved comfortably.
49:07: Another substitution for SerMon... on comes a guy with ridiculous striped hair. He's got three blonde stripes running straight back through his brown hair.
48:04: Saviola with the ball... Glenn Davis says he's "tempting and teasing." I think there might be something going on between Shep and Glenn. I wonder which one plays the role of striker.
46:49: That Ergic character does put together a nice run, ended just outside the box. SerMon is coming out with some more vitality here. I really wouldn't have blamed them for just packing it in.
45:30: Hey, a shot on goal that required the Argentinian keeper to move. I didn't see that coming. And a corner.
45:00: SerMon starts the second half with a sub. Ergic is on for Nadj. Two names that mean absolutely nothing to me.
45:00: UM - No, Teves is not playing... nor is Messi. Oops.
45:00: And we're going to halftime. And for your enjoyment, here's the Shep Messing poster I was speaking of. Take 15 minutes and let your imagination have a good time with it...
44:40: Alright, corner here for SerMon. Blasted through the box. Kezman crosses it back in, but it's taken care of.
43:46: This one's over. If SerMon comes back to win this thing, I will hang a poster of Shep Messing on the ceiling above my bed.
40:32: And it's 3-0. The onslaught continues. Saviola shoves a SerMon guy off the ball in his defensive corner, and just takes it toward the goal. Rodriguez ends up putting it away again... and Argentina is all the way impressive. This is the best I've see a team play yet in this tournament.
38:02: This game is reminding me a great deal of the Czech/USA game... in other words, I see very little reason to believe that SerMon can get back in the mix here.
34:12: Crespo nearly gets to a cross that would've extended the lead to three.
33:29: So much for that SerMon defense, huh? I know they're missing Vidic, but... Argentina just made them look silly. Just undressed them.
30:25: Alright, that was the most beautiful goal scored yet in this entire tournament. Nice touch after nice touch, a little back-heel pass at the end... just an incredible possession. Find a TV and catch this replay at halftime. It will sexually arouse you. Esteban Cambiasso with the finish, which was actually the least impressive thing about the play. Deezamn. 2-0 Argentina. My mouth is still hanging open.
28:35: The ref is calling everything today. A long free kick for SerMon makes for an easy save for the Argentian keeper with a long same.
26:44: Ooooh... Riquelme creates some room for himself just outside the box, but sends a shot high over the bar. A little flash of brilliance there, left unfinished.
25:42: SerMon with a free kick of their own in good position here... beautifully done, towards the backpost, but a SerMon player put a bear hug on someone in the box. Foul called, goal kick.
24:42: Keeper gets his hand on it, but Crespo just missed with a lunging effort. That wide-open pace I promised, by the way, has not materialized.
24:09: Riquelme on the free kick... it's a laser, but headed safely out. But it gets Argentina a corner...
21:06: Argentina's head coach is named Jose Pekerman, and it's pronounced exactly like you'd hope it would be.
19:54: Nice sustained possession here for SerMon... putting some nice passes together.
17:57: Nice ball into the box for SerMon... unable to convert it, though, but a nice set-up. They're getting forward a little bit more now.
17:18: Corner is handled by the keeper.
16:00: Luis Gonzalez is getting the stretcher. Esteban Cambiasso is in for him.
15:38: Corner here for SerMon.
12:37: Goal kick.
11:38: Argentina keeping the pressure on. Free kick here in the SerMon third of the field. Riquelme is taking it.
9:06: A shot from just outside the box from Đorđević, who specializes in putting lines through his "d"s.
8:02: SerMon's got to go for it now. They're out of this thing if they lose, and the Dutch get any kind of a result today. This game could be a wide open affair.
5:09: GINOBILI! Argentina's on the board. Maxi Rodriguez gets a beautiful pass from Saviola, and they're on the board. That was perfect. Great set-up, precision pass, great strike... beautiful. 1-0 Argentina.
3:16: Apparently, neither Messi or Tevez are in the line-up today. Oops.
1:47: Cleared again.
0:55: A corner for Argentina, 55 seconds in. Near post, it's driven out, a second cross, and it's cleared again. Another corner, same side.
0:08: We're underway... unfortunately, Argentina isn't sporting their classic light blue uniforms. I like those. They're in navy, SerMon in white.
0:00: Oh, good... Glenn Davis and Shep Messing. This is a pretty clear indication that my entire day is going to suck.
0:00: By the way, I believe this will be MJD's last World Cup liveblog here on Deadspin, which I'm guessing will not leave you in tears, as I'm pretty sure I'm the worst of all the Deadspin soccer livebloggers. But, you know, I'm getting a little tired of starting my mornings with the voice of Shep Messing, anyway. Lord knows that happened enough even before the World Cup.
0:00: Things you should know about Serbia & Montenegro. Well, they have a really long name, and there's no way I'm typing that out again today. I'm thinking "SerMon" would be an adequate replacement. They'll bring a contrast of style against the Argentinians... their biggest strength is defense. They allowed just one goal in ten matches during qualifying. That is freakishly good. If you're looking for a likely goal scorer, it's Mateja Kezman, and their best set-up man is Dejan Stankovic. We've got an '04 Pistons vs. '06 Suns matchup here this morning.
0:00: Things you should know about Argentina: To start with, they're really, really, good. They pass the ball like a team of 11 Magic Johnsons. Juan Román Riquelme leads the attack as a playmaking midfielder. Lionel Messi is capable of greatness, and Carlos Tévez just finished an MVP-season in the Brazilian league. They're a cup favorite, probably the most popular pick behind Brazil.