Photo credit: Chris Pizzello/AP

Something insane and terrible happened before tonight’s NBA All-Star Game. No one will ever be able to explain it to my satisfaction. Even in the context of the NBA’s disastrous, shriekingly awkward pregame nightmare, Fergie’s national anthem was an absolute abomination. A goose being strangled in your living room would produce a much more pleasant series of noises. Gird yourself:

I would believe that this was done on a dare. I would believe anything except that multiple real human beings listened to Fergie practice this anthem and thought oh, yes, that is for sure the kind of thing that belongs on television. What the hell happened tonight, NBA.