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God Fucking Dammit

Well the Patriots won the fucking Super Bowl again, defeating the Rams 13-3. It was somehow even less fun to watch than that last sentence was to read, as 53 minutes elapsed before anything of substance happened on the offensive side of the ball. Tom Brady now has more Super Bowl wins than any other quarterback in league history.

The first half was an abhorrent exchange of inept offense, with one barely-made Stephen Gostkowski field goal being the difference between the two teams, and the only points on the board. Things improved a bit in the second half, but not by a whole lot. The Rams finally got things going, putting together a drive that led to a game-tying field goal. But the only two other mildly-impressive drives that the team mustered, in which Jared Goff sort of appeared to be in rhythm and Todd Gurley appeared to return to form, resulted in a punt and interception. Beyond that, Goff tossed one unstable pass after another and the Rams never threatened. It what was the football equivalent of a long wet fart.


To give you an idea of how appallingly paced this game was, Tom Brady’s now-standard game-winning drive began with 9:43 remaining in the fourth quarter. It involved four straight completions from Brady, and ended with a two-yard touchdown run from Sony Michel. That gave New England a 10-3 lead.

The Rams did have a chance to tie up the game late, but Goff reacted to a Patriots blitz with an arm-punt lob that was intended for Brandin Cooks and instead floated straight to Stephon Gilmore. The Patriots extended their lead to 10 just nine plays later, and not even a feeble attempt at cutting New England’s lead to seven and setting up a last-ditch onside kick worked out. The previously heroic Greg Zuerlein missed the attempt pretty fucking badly, and then it was all over but the Patriot bro-hugs.

The only people that could have extracted enjoyment from this game were New England fans—even then, they were probably bored of this shit by the end—and punter-fetishists. It was the Super Bowl this league and this world deserves.

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