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Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler is at the American Century Championship celebrity golf tournament at Stateline, Nev., this week. He is not considered one of the celebrities. In fact, Lou Holtz made Chandler fetch him an Aquafina. Here is his report.

Here we are in God's Country, on the sunny shores of Lake Tahoe at the Edgewood-Tahoe Golf Course. On this spot in 1959, we think near what is now the 16th hole, NBC filmed the Cartwrights riding across a pristine mountain meadow for the opening credits of the TV show Bonanza. Now, Todd Heap plays golf there. We tried to explain all of this to Ming Tsai, who was, as the program proclaims, "Esquire's 1998 Chef of the Year." He had no idea what we were talking about. Man, this tournament is slipping.

But we are not here to speak of culinary EMMYs. We are here to, in the order that they occurred on Wednesday: Somehow obtain a credential; purloin a golf cart; search the back nine, calling out: "Show yourself, Donald Trump!"; be relieved of our cart by security; learn way more about Maury Povich than we really wanted to know; watch Sterling Sharpe try to smoke an autograph pen (pictured); and be blown off for an interview by Dan Patrick. It should be noted that Patrick was nice about it. And that he may have been frightened by our "You're With Me, Leather" t-shirt.

We decided to talk with Neil Lomax, just because. Always outspoken, Lomax played for both the St. Louis and Arizona Cardinals, and somehow lived to tell about it. The problem was that we were at the practice tees, and hitting right next to Lomax was Dan Quayle. To put it plainly, Quayle would not stop horning in on the interview. God, we wish we were making some of this up.

Lomax, who now lives in Lake Oswego, Ore., was telling us how he is now involved in athletic fundraising for youth sports (he has four sons, the youngest age 12). Lomax: "I had good times in Phoenix." Quayle (from the next tee): "Yeah, and he's never been back." Lomax: "That's not true. I was there last year." At one point Quayle looked up from a shot and waved at us. Very odd. Lomax then talked about the coming season for the Cardinals (he thinks they'll make the playoffs), and talked of his time in St. Louis.

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Lomax: "Great Italian restaurants in St. Louis."
Quayle: "They are better in New York."

Jesus, Quayle! Zip it! It's no surprise that our former Vice President was feeling left out ... we imagine he encountered that a lot in politics. Or perhaps he was feeling threatened by fellow entrant Dennis Haysbert, who, after all, is an actual President.

Today, we try to find Ben Roethlisberger. And we must hurry ... we're running out of time!