We've never done this before — to start this off like a Penthouse Letter — but we are here to put out an open call for an intern. This is not because we need someone to fetch us our slippers or to ejaculate as a result of oral stimulation, though, all told, neither of those are necessarily horrible things. No, we're sending out a call for an intern because we've fallen way behind on accepting and denying new commenters, and weeding out some of the ruffians — no, we're not saying there's going to be a supermike16, though anything's possible — and we're accepting that we just don't have time to take care of it in the fashion that we expect and you deserve.
Therefore: We are asking for applications to be the official Deadspin commenting intern. Whoever takes on this assignment will be the person you beg for commenting privileges, the one to whom you complain about being banned and the one charged with keeping up the high levels of civility and public discourse for which we have all become accustomed. In other words: Most people will hate you, and you won't make much money. But you can destroy any possibility you have at working for ESPN by associating with The Underground.
Sound like fun? Email us with your details. We're not looking for resumes or anything like that; just tell us why you're the right human, with the perfect combination of humility and ability to take much derision, for the job.
(By the way, we apologize for making the cheapest of all possible jokes, a Monica Lewinsky joke. Our dad STILL sends us email forwards with Lewinsky jokes. Admit it, though: We kind of missed them. A little. Maybe?)