Apparently, they've been running low on sperm in England, not just in general, but at the sperm banks. So, to make sure that any perspective sperm recipients receive the goods from the most intelligent, calm, rational donors possible, sperm banks are considering setting up shop right outside Premiership soccer matches.
The idea is simple: Paint your face, have a few pints and then rub one out just before gametime. We think it certainly wouldn't hurt in decreasing fan aggression.
It's sad that England is suffering such a shortage in sperm that they would resort to such an activity, but we think it's probably not as desperate as it sounds. Frankly, if they did this before, say, Eagles games, and they announced it, there would be fewer women seeking artificial insemination. Therefore: Less of a shortage! Ta-da!