So why did Southern California lose to UCLA last week? Not because of a stout Bruins defense, or a somewhat green Trojans squad cracking under the pressure. Nope, they lost because coach Pete Carroll programmed his team to lose.
So says "Goal Setting Guru," motivational speaker and all-around-Douchey-McDoucherson Sean Smith, who put out a press release yesterday saying Carroll doomed his team to failure by talking up UCLA so much pre-game.
"As soon as Coach Carroll told the media early in the week that UCLA was going to be their toughest opponent of the year," says Smith, "he made the game much more difficult for his players. The Trojans had all week long to focus on how good the Bruins are and how hard the game would be. So as Saturday's kickoff neared, the team had been sufficiently programmed for defeat."
"What I wish more people understood is that whatever you choose to focus on in any arena, whether it's success or failure, your unconscious mind takes it as a command, as if that's what you're looking for. So by telling yourself what you want to avoid, or by holding onto any negative, limiting thoughts whatsoever, you will always attract difficulty into your life."
As much as we love a good motivational speaker — Smith claims to be "a master at empowering his audiences to overachieve in all areas of their lives," which basically means he gets you shitbags to finally do something with your pathetic lives for through "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" — we have a feeling that Smith might be, oh, pulling random shards of nonsense from his anal canal. We nevertheless would like to see Smith get his hands on Eli Manning; "You must visualize victory through minimizing our Goal Setting Mistakes. Hey, Eli, wake up, would ya?"