Only one thing in the world could have dragged us away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

We have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. We became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of us as we screamed. Only we didn't say "Fudge." We said the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word.

If you plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

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