AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. A.J. Daulerio was denied a bank loan. Email him to let him know what you think.
Hey! It's me! I feel kind of foolish giving you a big intro for this column this week considering we're well acquainted at this point. I also promise there won't be any stories about friends of mine getting bj's from Asian boys. (Honestly, how many emails can I get with the subject heading "TMI". Four, to be exact. And, no, my parents are not proud of me and, no, I don't hate Asians. In fact, I just ate scallion pancakes and spring rolls last night. So there.)
Anyway, this week's Cultural Oddsmaker will deviate away from the usual batch of hypothetical, scatological, oddsmaking and focus more on New Year's Eve festivities that you, proud reader, may or may not be doing this Sunday night. By the looks of this crew, I'm giving all of these scenarios Pick 'em status. Be happy, safe, sentimental this year.
Let's drop some balls after this jump.
Dinner With Significant Other's Family Members: Those of you out there in relationships for a few years know that this is something that you'll have to experience at some point. You'll put on your new Christmas outfit, forego any of those real parties with excessive drinking, and follow through on your promise to go spend this New Year's with your girlfriend/fiancee's family trying to prove that you are a worthy enough to be sleeping with her on a regular basis. Bone up on your small talk about the local sports teams and try to make yourself seem masculine enough to be trustworthy, but not so much as to they should worry about strange bruises on her arms every once in a while. Hey, she's anemic, okay?
Small Gathering With Married Friends:
Gaaaah. These are the worst. Usually another fixture of the early relationship right of passage where you'll sit around all night drinking $20 bottles of wine, eating Roquefort abd ring bologna, discussing your plans for Q1, and playing all night Cranium tournaments until it's time to watch Seacrest ring in '07. You'll also be overwhelmed by all of those distant memories of New Year's past when you could party hop and then have unhinged, sloppy sex with the random hot girl who just got out of a long term relationship and is spending her first NYE alone in a long time. Oh, but, hey, at least this year you'll get to wake up early the next day in time for brunch with one of the other couple's who want to show off their new kitchen they just put in last November. Man, how did this happen?
Intimate Celebration at Local Nursing Home with Grandparents:
Mom-mom won't be with us for much longer, so it'd be real nice if you just stopped by and spent some quality time with her before her bones turn to ash. Hey, I'm not knocking this at all. Old people are fascinating. And, if you're single, this is a great place to pick up chicks. There's always the hot young assistant that gets stuck with the crappy New Year's shift who'll be impressed by your thoughtful, unselfishness this New Year's. If there aren't any of them, well, dude that gray-haired honey in the loose-fitting pineapple print house dress and the blue slippers looks like she could use a toss. It'll make a great story later. Trust me.
Ridiculously Overpriced Ball at Hotel Establishment: Wow. $150 for a three hour open bar with top shelf liquor, prime rib dinner, champagne toast at midnight and the dulcet sounds of that crappy cover band named Steamroller Picnic or Mr. Greengenes trying it's hardest to play "Wind it Up" with any kind of credibility? Count me in, bitch. I also like it when there's the inevitable fight between couple's at these events — usually over something real mundane like, "you promised you wouldn't drink scotch tonight" or "just please put the fucking party hat on." Yeah, that happened to me.
The Fucking Mummers!: I'm seriously giving Quaker City String Band 1/4 odds that their taking the whole thing this year. Oh, dem golden slippers, oh, dem golden slippers....