David Hirshey writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer.

Let the rest of the world worry about next week's smackdown between Jordan Sparks and Blake Lewis (I was a LaKisha guy anyway). What has my crowd's knickers in a twist is tomorrow's epic FA Cup final between ManU and Chelsea. Or, as I like to think of it, Pretty Good vs. Evil.

It's not that I have an abundance of love for United, who, in the 2005 final, lost on penalties to a certain team in North London that I've been known to support. I can still see the priceless look on the faces of Sir Alex and Keano after Vieira slotted in the winner and stuck the Cup up their heinies. So it's not like I'm, you know, rooting for ManU; it's just that I would support anyone โ€” even the German national team (sorry, Dad) โ€” against Chelsea. Not to put too fine a point on it but the future of western civilization โ€” not to mention what's left of my psychic well-being โ€” hangs in the balance of this modern-day Armageddon.

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With that in mind, I invite all my fellow soccer weenies (both of you) to join me tomorrow at my Deadspin office, otherwise known as Kinsale Tavern (93rd and 3rd in New York City), to fight the good fight against the whinging, paranoid, carpetbagging values that Chelsea and their Armani-clad Special One embody. Needless to say, if you can prove that you made the pilgrimage from beyond a three-block radius, the first Guinness is on Leitch โ€” who unfortunately will not be there because of a " prior commitment" on Fire Island (I offer up that softball for those of you with comment privileges). (Ed. Note: This is true, and Will Leitch accepts your scorn. He deserves it.)

And that's not all. In honor of this week's news that Mourinho had been arrested for going Alec Baldwin on a policeman who tried to take away his precious Yorkshire terrier Gullit because he hadn't been properly inoculated against rabies (the dog, not Mourinho), Fire Island Leitch might have even throw you a bone. Or at least a handful of kibble to chuck at those Chelsea scum.

Kinsale Tavern (Be There!)