Part of your job as an ailing cancer survivor child, when trotted out for the television cameras, is to look sickly and pathetic. Your ailments inspire everyone at home to feel bad for you, and guilty about their own lives, and this combination of sympathy and self-loathing leads to healthy donations. This is how the whole deal is supposed to work.

Nobody told little Lexi Alden, who, upon learning she was on live television, grabbed the microphone and took charge. Hey, Baltimore Orioles: YOU'RE GOING DOWN. The cancer kid says so.

"They're Very Handsome" [Red Sox Monster]