As most of you have already seen, Tom Glavine's outing today didn't last too long — maybe he was double parked? — as the Florida Marlins lit up Mr. 300 with seven runs in the first inning en-route to an 8-1 win. With that, they needed Philadelphia to lose and force a tie. They've been counting on Phillies losses for a while now, and they never seemed to happen.

This means the Phillies are your National League East champions as Jamie Moyer essentially bored the Nationals to death with war stories in a 6-1 victory. Gee, I sure hope the New York tab-sheet newspaper — I forget which one it is — can think of something catchy for their back page about this.

San Diego is also about to suffer a collapse not as cataclysmic as that of the Mets, so we won't use a Jenga analogy. How about Ker-Plunk? That was slightly less popular than Jenga. Their magic number was at 1 with two games left to play, so it is noteworthy. They're losing to the Brewers in the final innings, whereas the Rockies are currently tied with the complacent Diamondbacks in the — oh, let's say the seventh — inning. Barring a miracle comeback for the Padres, all the Rockies have to do is eke out a win over Arizona and they secure a one-game playoff with the Padres for the NL Wild Card.

And since we know the Wild Card won't come out of the East, the Cubs will officially play the Diamondbacks in the first round. At least those tickets can be printed.