M'kay. It's getting to be that time, so let's get the Patriots-Colts preview out of the way. I hadn't even thought about who I thought would win this game until this weekend, when I put New England in my friend's NFL picks pool. It was a rather anticlimactic and unfulfilling finish to a week of speculation. I need something more. And that's when I looked to soccer — yes, soccer — for guidance.
Yesterday, Manchester United and Arsenal ended a one-versus-two battle with a 2-2 tie. While the British are more accustomed to ties, pig dog Americans are not. Yet the tie is a legitimate ending to an NFL game, albeit extremely rare. But just imagine the ramifications of a Colts-Patriots tie:
Glorious Consequence #1: It simultaneously ruins both teams' hopes for a 16-0 season. The 1972 Dolphins can commence their champagne bukkake post haste.
Glorious Consequence #2: The anticipated orgasm of crowning one of these teams Super Bowl champions in Week 9 never reaches its climax. And if you need a non-sexual metaphor, a nation of analysts will collectively hold their breath until the AFC playoffs. All that hot air kept within ESPN's respiratory system will cool down the earth and slow down global warming.
Glorious Consequence #3: It sends everyone to their computers, calling for an end to tie games in the NFL, with some NFL writers getting so enraged as they write their rant that it sends them into an ulcer
God, who DOESN'T want a tie game, folks? Patriots 27, Colts 27. If there is a Buddha, we'll see the game in Indianapolis end like this.