It's the NHL Closer. We pass the mic to the kids at Orland Kurtenblog. Their NHL Closer is written by Canadians for Americans.

Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight. Vancouver continued its Northwest Division dominance with a 4-1 win over Calgary, yet the Closer overlooked it in favor of this Wednesday's Canucks-Wild game in Minnesota. After Matthias Ohlund was suspended four games for laying the lumber on Mikko Koivu, Minnesota goliath Derek Boogaard swore retribution: "Maybe I can go after or check Naslund and those Pinky and the Brain twins." Henrik Sedin (Pinky, presumably) then countered by comparing Boogard to Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The NHL: your home for cartoon-themed beef.

Speaking of the Wild. Who needs Pavol Demitra when you have Matt Foy? The master of monosyllabic monikers was at his finest replacing the injured Demitra, scoring a goal and adding an assist in Minnesota's 4-1 win over Colorado. Milan Hedjuk scored for the Avs, who have been outscored 10-2 in losing two straight. Add in the fact they just got torn apart by Matt freaking Foy and well, yeah, you could say things aren't going very well.

I Got Duvie In My Funk. Blue Jackets blueliner Duvie Westcott scored his first goal of the season in a 5-4 shootout loss to Detroit. Only after seconds of intensive Googling did The Closer learn that his actual name is Druval Lloyd Westcott. Columbus might have a monopoly on the best names in the NHL: Jared Boll, Rusty Klesla, Manny Malhortra, Jason Chimera, Ole-Kristian Tollefsen and Zenon Konopka. As you can tell, there's nothing of substance to add at this point. The Sunday NHL closer is a struggle.