The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.
• Because I'm running a little bit late, I missed "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause." Now, I'm probably going to go all day without wanting to kick a 10-year-old in the balls.
• Glancing over the schedule, it jumps out at me that no good teams are playing this afternoon. At least, none of the best teams in the league ... the Patriots take place in the ritual Sunday Night Assrape tonight against the Eagles, the Colts, Cowboys and Packers played on Thursday and the Steelers play on Monday night. I guess I can settle for the Browns, Giants and Jags.
• Have the Browns spontaneously added numbers to their helmets, or are these throwback uniforms in which the only difference is that they have numbers on their helmets? Is that really the best they can do? Surely, somewhere along the line, the Browns wore something that looked significantly shittier than what they're wearing right now.
• This week's MVP: Whoever paints the endzones in Arrowhead Stadium. Last night, they were spiffed up for Kansas and Missouri, and today, you'd never know there was ever a change. Great googly moogly.
• Tarvaris Jackson's going deep, which is almost never a sign that good things are about to happen ... but this time, he's got Sidney Rice, and Sidney Rice has a touchdown. Color me surprised.
• Uh oh ... Jeff Garcia's hurt. Fortunately, the Bucs have another quarterback who a lot of people believe to be gay in Chris Simms.
• It appears that Bruce Gradkowski's taking over, though. I guess he could be gay, too, but ... I don't know. I don't meet a lot of gay guys named Gradkowski.
• Ick ... Marc Bulger just Jake Plummer'ed an interception to the Seahawks. In the midst of being tackled, he attempted to force a shovel pass to a guy who was currently getting an ass-full of Rocky Bernard.
• Vince Young is going deep now ... and that's complete, too, to Justin Gage. If Vince Young ends up turning into a legitimate dropback passer, I'm going to consider it a real victory for racial equality. He's black, he runs fast, he's athletic, there were rumors that he scored like a 6 on the Wonderlic ... he's not supposed to be able to do this.
• The Redskins are fumbling the ball on every other play and have just about handed the Bucs a 13-0 lead. Text from my buddy Tim: "Sonny and Sam might be breaking into the emergency liquor today. Military whiskey, bottom shelf."
• While we're here, I'd also like to mention a text I got from Tim during the intos for last week's Sunday Night game. It read, "Did I ever tell you about the time I buttfucked Faith Hill?" Now there's an underrated and underused word ... buttfucked.
• Eli Manning is desperately trying to keep pace with the Redskins, though, and is also turning the ball over at a superhuman rate. Darren Sharper already took one Eli pick to the paint, and now Chester Taylor's scoring from 8 yards out on the play right after Eli's 2nd pick.
• In the absence of Marshawn Lynch, a fellow named Fred Jackson is getting carries for Buffalo. In years past of the Smorgasbord, I watched games here with a friend named Sam, and anytime someone named Jackson made a play, he'd respond with the same Friday quote. For example, "Vincent Jackson? Bitch get out the car lookin' more like Freddy Jackson." I'm glad Sam's not here today ... attempting to do that with a guy actually named Freddy Jackson would confuse him and probably cause an aneurysm.
• I'm not sure when exactly he got hurt, but Marc Bulger has apparently left the game with injured ribs, an injured back and a concussion. The Rams' trainer needs a raise.
• Chad Johnson scores for the Bengals and then commandeers a CBS camera. I guess that's his whole act, he's going to pretend to be a cameraman for a few seconds. He'll get penalized for "excessive celebration," but I think in this case, that's a poorly named penalty ... this isn't celebration, this is choreographed attention-whoring. It doesn't feel like there's anything celebratory about it.
• Eli Manning is 2 for his last 11 attempts, for 34 yards, and 2 touchdowns. Tarvaris Jackson, meanwhile, is 7 of 9.
• The Greek speculates that Jeff Fisher's goatee was grown "for muff-diving purposes." I think this tells you a lot of Jeff Fisher's unselfishness.
• FOX shows a close-up for Bucs defensive lineman Chris Hovan, and Hovan takes the opportunity to spit all over himself. I don't think this is the first time this game he's done that, either ... his face looks like he's been bobbing for apples in cream cheese.
• Cincinnati continues to put up big points on Tennessee ... I'm fairly shocked by this result. If the Titans are attempting to make the case for Albert Haynesworth for league MVP by playing well when he's there, and sucking balls when he's not, they're succeeding. Chad Johnson just tapped his toes down in the back of the endzone for his 3rd TD catch, making it 35-6 Bengals.
• Eli Manning gifts another interception to the Vikings, and Dwight Smith is taking that one to the house with Jason Krause, too ... 93 yards on the return, and that should just about put this one to bed.
• Wait, Eli's not done burying himself yet ... the very next time he has his hands on the ball, he throws another pick that will be taken to the house, this one by Chad Greenway. Just a ridiculously bad throw ... it's 41-10, Vikings.
• Justin Fargas scores, and the Raiders take a late lead in Kansas City ... it has to have been a long damn time since the Raiders won in Arrowhead. I do believe that Missouri's the best team to play on that field in the last 48 hours.
• The Vikings have gotten 129 yards and 1 TD off of completions by Tarvaris Jackson to various Vikings. They've also gotten 169 yards and 4 TDs off of completions Eli Manning has thrown to various Vikings.
• And now, Tom Coughlin dusts off the old playbook to find the "Run backwards for 26 yards, and then fall down" play for Eli. He executes it perfectly. But on every play the Giants run where the Vikings don't score a touchdown ... I think you have to consider that a small moral victory for the Giants.
• The Redskins are down by just 6, which is amazing, considering that they've turned the ball over 319 times. Jason Campbell's looking for the game-winner ... but yeah, that's going to be picked off, too. The Bucs are taking knees.
• The Greek on David Carr: "10-for-22, 95 yards, and 2 interceptions? Just get out of the fucking league, already."
• The Rams are in at the 4-yard-line, trailing by 5, with about a minute to play against Seattle. Gus Frerotte has a wide open Isaac Bruce ... and Frerotte underthrows the 4 yard pass by about 2 yards. The pass was so bad that Isaac Bruce ended up injuring himself trying to catch it.
• A one-yard gain and two timeouts later, the Rams have a 4th and 1 at the goal line, with :30 on the clock, two-game winning streak on the line ... and Gus Frerotte cannot handle the snap. It's not often that a game comes down to one play, and that play isn't a field goal, but a play from scrimmage where the offense has a better-than-average chance of scoring. It would have been a very exciting conclusion, had it involved a team that could successfully execute a center-to-quarterback exchange.
• It pisses me off how FOX sits on the BCS standings ... it's real, meaningful news in the sporting world, and they promise that it's coming up during the postgame show. But not, of course, until you sit through Terry Bradshaw doing highlights of every single NFL game, and two or three commercial breaks.
• Bradshaw, meanwhile, calls Braylon Edwards "Bray-lawn," emphasizing both syllables.
• FOX brings in Barry Alvarez to break down the BCS Standings ... and my goodness, Barry Alvarez is bad at this. He's like Steve Mariucci, except he looks closer to death.
• After exchanging a couple of punts with the Ravens, the Chargers put together a long drive the ends with a field goal. I guess I haven't seen a lot of the Ravens this year, because I had forgotten how badly I want to see Ray Lewis get mauled by a grizzly bear.
• So, I'm pretty excited about the new Cypher Stent. It's been advertised a handful of times during NFL games this week. I almost can't wait for that arteries around my heart to narrow, so I can get one. It seems so much more awesome than any of those other stents you hear so much about. The stent wars are certainly heating up, though.
• Jay Cutler runs a nifty little option play with Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #23, and gets into the endzone. The Broncos take a 10-3 lead over the Bears.
• Antonio Gates is uncovered down the middle of the field, which strikes me as odd, since he's the only receiving weapon currently playing for the San Diego Chargers, and Philip Rivers often has tunnel vision on him. The Ravens appear to have missed a few things on game film.
• Shawne Merriman is balling today. If it takes Maurice Jones-Drew leveling him to embarrassing him into playing this well every week, then I say Merriman should try to break into Jones-Drew's house every Saturday.
• CBS has clips of Ray Lewis handing out turkeys at a Thanksgiving event for the Ray Lewis Foundation ... they're frozen turkeys, thankfully. I think it's best that we avoid Ray Lewis carving up anything in front of the general public.
• You don't see a whole lot of successful Hail Marys ... Mary's kind of lazy like that. But just before the half, Kurt Warner heaves one up in the endzone from 48 yards out, and Larry Fitzgerald comes up with it for the TD with zeroes on the clock.
• Chris Chambers turned Ravens corner Samari Rolle inside out, and Rivers lofted it to him for another eazy touchdown pass. Shocking statistic: in his career in the red zone, Phil Rivers has 20 touchdown passes, and 0 interceptions.
• Cardinals quarterback Tim Rattay has a mullet. I didn't know that. It really reminds me of Randy Cross's mullet, except it's not gray ... it's a mullet that you spend $80 on having styled.
• Todd Sauerbrun punts the ball to Devin Hester, and you can probably guess where it goes from here ... Hester to the paint. Hester is the one way that the Bears can consistently score, and other teams have the option of whether or not to let him touch the ball. Why anyone does, I couldn't tell you.
• Antonio Gates hauls in another touchdown pass from Philip Rivers, and was again wide open. Let's check the replay to see how he got so open ... ah, the Ravens tried to cover him one-on-one with Ray Lewis. They might have been able to get away with that five years ago ... back when Ray had his knife.
• I didn't know this, but apparently there's a giant statue in San Diego of a sailor kissing a woman ... I'd love to know what kind of detail the sculptor went into carving underneath the woman's dress. I also think this is rather discriminatory to the gay sailors in our Navy. They deserve a giant statue next to this one of two guys jerking each other off. I demand that my tax dollars make this happen.
• Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #37 gets into the endzone, giving the Broncos a 20-13 lead.
• And Devin Hester answers by taking the ensuing kickoff to the house. There appears to be one way and one way only that the Bears can win this game, and that's for Devin Hester to keep getting touches. Again, I repeat, the Broncos have the option of preventing this from happening.
• Tidbit from the announcers in the Cardinals/49ers game: Deuce Lutui ate horse at Thanksgiving. Apparently, you bury the horse under ground and cook it that way ... I'm just wondering how long it takes to dig the hole for the fucking thing. Anyway, it's good to know that even though we couldn't harvest any of Barbaro's prize jizm, he doesn't have to go to complete waste.
• The San Francisco/Arizona game, by the way, sounds quite entertaining. I'm not sure, as I'm not paying a lot of attention to it ... but it certainly sounds good.
• Wow ... Denver comes right back to answer Devin Hester's answer by doing deep to Brandon Marshall for the touchdown. Marshall just toasted Ricky Manning Jr. The 7-point Broncos lead is restored. I might be off with this, but it seems to me like Denver would be beating the fuck out of Chicago were it not for Devin Hester.
• Shawne Merriman is able to snuff out a screen play by the Ravens, and drag the running back down for a loss. He gets up and starts to do the "Lights Out" dance, which has made its idiotic return this week ... but he stops himself and just waves it off, like "Eh, it's just the Ravens. I'll save my lame dance for later."
• The Broncos have gone up by 14, and the Chargers lead 32-14, and I can't bring myself to be interested in Cardinals/49ers ... I'm going to trust that Denver will hang on, and that I won't miss anything too special in the 49ers/Cards game, and call it a week.
Post script: Woops, and woops.