I should be nicer the weekend before Christmas and not provide as many balls-to-the-balls footage as I have these past couple of days. You could make that argument. On the other hand, I have a responsibility as weekend editor to SWEET VENGEFUL ALLAH THAT GUY JUST TOOK A TENNIS BALL TO THE SCROTUM ON PURPOSE.

The now-swollen man named Jason Fields did this in the name of science, which was curious how the heart rate changes while anticipating a frozen rope to the sack. Suffice to say, we need to bump Fields to the absolute top of the national list of people who are in desperate need of being donated a blowjob.

What science didn't cover in this experiment is the percentage of men who watched that tennis ball slap the nuts and respond by covering their own genitalia, despite the fact that their boys are in no danger, for the balls and the ball are separated by hundreds of miles and dozens among dozens of time units. Still, you never know when a wormhole opens up in your ceiling, dropping a Koosh ball right into your nether principality. Always be prepared.