It's bad enough that your name is John Henry Isenhour III. But now word has leaked that you killed a protected species of hawk with a golf drive, on purpose, and there are criminal charges pending against you. Poor dumb sap. The only thing remaining of course is a phony, slapdash apology. Take it away, Tripp.

"As soon as this happened, I was mortified and extremely upset and continue to be upset," Isenhour said in a statement issued through his management company, SFX Golf. "I want to let everyone know there was neither any malice nor deliberate intent whatsoever to hit or harm the hawk. I was trying to simply scare it into flying away." Isenhour said he is an animal lover and his family has adopted three cats from a local shelter.

And those cats are really tough to hit, because unlike the hawk, they refuse to sit still. Sometimes you just have to walk up and whack 'em with the club.

Elsewhere in horrifying regret:

• "Sorry in advance for signing Vinny Testaverde." — The Packers

• "Sorry for getting your hopes up, Seattle. No way in hell this is really happening." — Steve Ballmer


• "Sorry for screwing up your schedule, Yankees, but I answer to a higher power: The Red Sox. — Pope Benedict XVI

• "Sorry I let the dream die." — Ron Paul

Golfer Faces Criminal Charges For Killing Hawk With Shot [USA Today]