Imagine if someone you knew to be trustworthy offered you an opportunity to retire 10 years from today, and he would pay you a pension of $100,000 per year for the rest of your life. The catch? For the next 10 years, every time you are in front of a computer or tablet device, you have to type with one hand. You can under no circumstances type using both hands, or the deal is off. Do you do it?
So I have to spend 10 years typing with just the one hand, and then I get the pension, yes? It's awfully hard to turn that down. If you've ever typed out an email on your phone, you know that it sucks 80 times worse than typing on a plain old keyboard (then again, maybe I'm just an old fogy who will one day fetishize computer keyboards the way insufferable writer types now cherish Smith Corona). But you also know that you can get into a groove with your thumb on a good day, and that autocorrect may soon be so good that you merely have to think the word for the thing to show up on your screen. Surely, that's worth a lifetime of financial security. I'm getting better at texting while peeing. I suck at peeing now. There's urine all over the place. But the texting part I'm OK at!
I'm typing this answer with one hand as we speak, as an experiment, and it's fucking terrible. I've had to go back and re-type half the words. And that's with my right hand. With the left hand, it's even worse. One day, we're all gonna take out insurance on our hands because tapping out messages is so important to us. Whenever I get a minor cut on my fingertip these days, it RUINS me. GAHHHHHH CAN'T TYPE. We live in an age where written communication has overtaken oral communication as the preferred method for human interaction. If someone offered you the choice between being deaf, blind, or mute, you'd take MUTE in a heartbeat. Your life would barely change. In fact, you'd probably be relieved that you had an excuse to text everyone from now on instead of speaking directly to them. Thank god! No more personal interactions! What a fucking pain those are!
It could be that your hands are now more valuable to you than your mouth. Think about it. Would you rather have a pair of hands and be able to write and masturbate and make shadow puppets, or would you rather keep your mouth and be able to talk and eat solid food? Sure, bacon is always good. But no more texting. No more Temple Run. And you have to hump the mattress every night, which gets tiring. I think I'd keep the hands, man.
Now, down into the comment section for the your live funbagginess. This week's live Funbag comes to you from sunny Miami, Florida. I've been in Florida for fourteen hours now and have yet to see a man eating another man's face. NOT BAD, FLORIDA! Off we go...