5 totally realistic trade destinations for Damian Lillard

Portland asking for a magical kingdom’s ransom in return for its best player in franchise history

Any rational Trail Blazers fan would avoid watching the team right now. Damian Lillard, C.J. McCollum, and Anfernee Simons are all injured. ESPN.com’s promotion for its Portland-Golden State matchup Wednesday is a “Top five Lillard trades they’d love to see” article, and a clip of Stephen A. Smith somberly complaining about how he can’t convince Lillard to give up on the city of Portland to go to New York. (The actual game broadcast will probably follow a similar, nauseating theme.)

For research purposes, I tried to watch as much of the SAS clip as I could, but had to turn it off because I’m not a masochist. I could’ve read the trade piece that’s behind the ESPN+ wall because we get access to stuff like that through work, but that seems like a lot of Slack-ing just to end up annoyed when the five teams are predictably the Lakers, Clippers, 76ers, Knicks and Nets.

However, NBA Twitter demands blood! All small market teams must be sacrificed at the altar of super teams in order to secure the matchup that was promised! The rapture is here! Lillard must be traded, and I must come up with destinations!

Well, scream loud enough for something, and you’ll get it. Here you go, you hyenas, five dream destinations for Lillard.

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1. Heaven

Team God could use an upgrade at point after the pope and Catholic Church pedophiled up their message, and what better person than Lillard, whose shot literally pierces the heavens before raining down plagues upon the nets and his opponents. Unfortunately, God is a more finicky general manager than Daryl Morey is, and is waiting for the price to drop before parting with Jesus.

A deal involving the Son of Christ would normally draw an eternity of draft picks, but his trips to the free-throw line have dipped due to rule changes. Heaven might actually have to give up a couple angels in exchange for Lillard’s services.

It’s early and the Point God of Nazareth may be having a tough time getting his feet wet because that’s a difficult task when you can walk on water, but for a following that is asked to blindly believe a lot, they sure are impatient.

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2. The MCU

Sources say the people over at Marvel are getting antsy after The Eternals proved too obscure even for comic book fans, and if Spider-Man: No Way Home doesn’t meet its End Game-esque expectations, Peter Parker could be on the move. It’s unclear how MCU fans would react to a snap change, but they’re so confused by the post-snap timelines that they may not notice swapping out Tom Holland for Lillard, who by all accounts has plenty of range.

There may be an issue with Warner because of Lillard’s work on the new Space Jam, which was as flawless as you’d expect. If Lillard can get that contract situated — and he should because he was the best part of that movie, and it’s all sequels from here — your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man could be getting a Rip City alternate costume.

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3. Nintendo

Things at Nintendo have been rocky ever since Mario was caught being intentionally misleading over his squirrel suit status. He claimed he had a feather, but when he and Luigi got to Level 7, Mario only had an unauthorized tincture he got from Wario, and they were forced to replay Level 5 to get a feather.

Drama aside, would the Trail Blazers be willing to bring in this kind of distraction considering Lillard’s sparkling reputation with his teammates, fans and the city of Portland? An anonymous insider told me Mario is planning his exit from the (video) game and wants to be in L.A. to be closer to Baby Mario, Peach and the MushroomHill Co., a production company he recently started with Donkey Kong.

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4. Ocean’s 11

The Trail Blazers aren’t entirely sold on acting legend George Clooney’s longevity in the game, but they are interested in acquiring his Casamigos tequila, and seeing if it’s is a better pairing with C.J. McCollum’s wine. And after Ocean’s 8 (SPOILER ALERT) killed off Danny Ocean, producers would prefer giving the gang a new leader, one with experience breaking through some of the world’s toughest defenses, instead of concocting a convoluted Danny Ocean resurrection plot line.

No word on if we would get a Lillard-Rihanna collaboration for the soundtrack, but in this made up universe, fans are already tweeting about it.

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5. Coca-Cola

The Trail Blazers and Coke are in significant negotiations for a deal that would bring Coke, Diet Coke and Cherry Coke to Portland in exchange for Lillard. Word is Portland wanted Coke Zero but that was a deal breaker. The rise in popularity of oral health and La Croix has forced the cola giant to reconsider its brand. They’re looking for a splashy move to pair with Topo Chico, who’s had eyes on the bubbly water crown since coming over from Mexico.

In addition to an extremely splashy jumper, Lillard also possesses a lot of drip. It could be a formidable duo tailor-made for the new era of carbonized beverages. However, we’ll see if Portland, a town known for coffee shops, would be willing to accept the change in style/culture those sodas would bring with them.

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