Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. As you know, Tom Brady was knocked out for the season last Sunday. I've had time to digest the impact of Brady's injury on both the Patriots and the greater football landscape, and my educated opinion about the matter is this:YEEEEEEHAWWW!!! WOO HOO!!! FUCK YEAH, BITCH! TAKE IT IN THE ASS WITH A PEN KNIFE, BRADY! I was not alone in my glee at the news of Brady's demise. Many people all across this great country joined hands and leapt towards the heavens as Brady's leg snapped in twain and he lay crumpled on the turf. Our own Michael Tunison said the Steelers bar he regularly goes to cheered louder for Brady's injury than for the Steelers' victory on Sunday. Cheering injuries is nothing new in the NFL. The most obvious historic example was when Michael Irvin badly hurt his neck in Veteran's Stadium (an injury that came to end his career) and the Philly crowd collectively destroyed their shorts. The reaction to the fans' behavior was swift and outraged. Dan Dierdorf decried it on the air. Emmitt Smith had this to say after the incident:
"It disgusted me to death… I understand people want to cheer for their team and they want their team to win, but when you see an individual laying down there motionless, there's no need to cheer. There's nothing joyful about watching a person get hurt."
Now, I know many people find the idea of cheering for injuries tasteless, and offensive, and inhumane, and disgusting. But those people are WRONG. Wrong as can be. Cheering injuries is the noblest thing a person can do. It's true! You see, when I cheer for injuries, I'm not doing it because I'm a bad person. Far from it. I cheer for injuries because I CARE. I think a good, solid injury builds character. Think about Tom Brady's life up to this point. He's had it all: hot model girlfriend, tons of money, three Super Bowl rings. What kind of adversity has he faced up to this point? Not a lot. Well, I'm not shallow like all these Boston fans who just want Brady to stay healthy and keep winning. I want Brady to GROW as a person. I want him to learn. I want him to be a better man. And there's no better way for him to do that than to have his knee viciously torn asunder. Don't you see how that makes sense? Cheering for injuries the most American thing a person can do. Look at Christopher Reeve. Everyone loved that guy. And you know why? Because he was injured. If that horse hadn't bucked off Reeve and sent him flying into a barrier, crushing all his upper vertebrae, we Americans never would have gotten to know just how brave he can be in the face of total physical incapacitation. And that would be our loss as a society. I think that horse deserves a medal. And to not be eaten. And remember, fans like me are only rooting for injuries, and not full-blown DEATH. I think that shows our true grace, our capacity for mercy. I think it's very classy. It makes us more human to hope Tom Brady gets his leg sheared right off. Look at him clutching his knee like a little girl in that photo. What a bitch. Furthermore, I think injuries are also good for a team's fans. Take a look at some of the comments on the Brady matter over at Barstool Sports:
Youve (sic) been doing a helluva job exposing the rest of the countrys (sic) jealousy and anger towards Boston in general. Bunch of pathetic, 2nd place wannabe cowards, similar to the Iraq and Afghan terrorists Heated76, Sep 09 2008, 6:42 pm Here Here Curt I couldn't agree with you more. Based on my experience with New Yorkers in general they are the most arrogant, dis in genuine (sic), unlikeable (sic) people on the earth. They can't stand the fact that they are inferior to Boston in sports, education, and just mere culture. - peter1975, Sep 09 2008, 9:36 pm
Now, honestly, don't morons like this deserve to be knocked down a peg? Wouldn't that be better for us all? I say yes. Seriously, is there anything worse than a bunch of jackass fans who are under the astonishing delusion that they are somehow "classier" than some other arbitrary set of fans? Shouldn't these people be stripped of all their assets and beaten to within an inch of their lives? And then murdered? Again, I say yes. Fans like this are in desperate need of a dose of humility. A severe correction. And I think the best way to do that is for the star player on their favorite team to suffer a horrible, catastrophic injury. It teaches them that there are some things in life you simply cannot control, and that life isn't always fair, and that you don't always get what you think you rightfully deserve. It teaches them to be better people. It also teaches them to go eat a fat dick. In fact, in the case of Patriots fans, injuring Brady may not be enough. I think MORE injuries are needed to drive the point home. Perhaps Wes Welker could fall down a mine shaft. Or maybe Rodney Harrison could accidentally perform a vicious late hit on himself, breaking his own ankle (Ape's idea). And maybe Belichick could get hit by a cement mixer. I think all of those things would be really great. So, to you people out there who are drinking hard and clapping deliriously at the pain and misfortune of others, I salute you. You people are real Americans. You're the true class acts in sports, and don't ever let some asshole tell you differently. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Eagles at Cowboys: That Tony Romo Pepsi ad must have really fucked with Jessica Simpson's brain. "Baby, when did you get so darn TALL?" Chargers at Broncos: No more Shawne Merriman? Well, that's a shame for him. This was the week he was gonna go to Denver! All the best raping happens in Denver! Speaking of Merriman, here's one more hilarious comment from the Barstool post:
Being the honorable and classy fans that we are, on behalf of all Pats fans I would like to extend a successful and speed (sic) recovery to Shawne Merriman. - Damron, Sep 09 2008, 7:33 pm
Classy people don't wish anything good on Shawne Merriman. Patriots at Jets: During the Packers game last Monday, when the subject of Brett Favre came up, Mike Tirico said to Kornheiser, "Can we please go one half without saying the guy's name? Please?" Mike Tirico, you are a great man and I will fight to the death for you.
Four Throwgasms Colts at Vikings: Special note to Jeff Triplette: FUCK YOU. Bad enough you fuck up calls for both teams last Monday night, but you then have the courtesy to throw 37 fucking flags every five minutes. Worst of all, you sound like a drunken Savannah housewife every time you get on the mic. "Why, I do declay-uh! I'mma gonna call LEVERAGE!" Get fucked, Jeff Triplette. I hope an asteroid lands on you. Bears at Panthers: The Panthers had a Young-to-Owens miracle finish last week, and if you didn't see it, you never would have known it happened, because ESPN was doing their whole sky-is-falling horseshit about Brady. THAT WAS A FUCKING AWESOME ENDING, JOHN SKIPPER. FUCKING SHOW THAT SHIT, ASSHOLE. THERE ARE OTHER GODDAMN TEAMS OUT THERE.
Three Throwgasms Steelers at Browns: You get the feeling Horse Balls will be benched by the end of the month? I do. Falcons at Bucs: You mean Matt Ryan is GOOD? Well, that won't do. Bills at Jaguars
Two Throwgasms Saints at Redskins: Oh-and-five or bust, Skins fans! Giants at Rams: Owning Steven Jackson this year is starting to look exactly like owning Larry Johnson last year. Just one painful, ultimately futile carry after another. God, the strain. It's just like watching a promo for "'Til Death." Titans at Bengals: Vince Young doesn't want to play football anymore. In many ways, he's just like the entire Bengals roster. Packers at Lions Ravens at Texans 49ers at Seahawks
One Throwgasm Raiders at Chiefs: GAH! Avert your eyes! It can't hurt you that way! Dolphins at Cardinals Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Constructive Summer," by The Hold Steady. RAISE A TOAST TO SAINT JOE STRUMMER. I saw the Hold Steady in Baltimore back in July. I cannot make it through a club show without having to take a piss. Happens every fucking time. I down a few beers before the show starts, get all fucking fired up for the band, negotiate the crowd to find my fucking spot, and then, the SECOND the lights fucking dim, that little voice in my brain goes: "Hey, don't you have to piss?" GOD DAMMIT. I'm trying to enjoy the show. Shut the fuck up, bladder. CAN'T YOU SEE IM TRYING TO LOSE MYSELF IN THE MUSIC?! Now I gotta do musical triage and figure out which fucking song marks the right time to bail for the john (I picked "Joke About Jamaica"). I have a friend named Jeremy (not his real name) who can, without fail, piss into an empty bottle anywhere at any time. At club shows, at sporting events, in bed. The man has no fucking stagefright whatsoever. Fucker. Me, I gotta weasel out of the crowd, run to the pisser, block out the three drunk guys behind me who are yelling and keeping me from concentrating so that the urine can escape from my body, then I gotta brave all the dirty fucking looks as I shove my way back to my spot. Along the way, I will invariably knock over Jeremy's bottle on the ground and get his piss all over my shoes. And then I have to piss again 30 minutes later. God dammit. Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Open Up and Say… Ahh!" by Poison. I was jazzed when I bought this tape because I got it just before the record label changed the album cover, blocking out the cat lady's longass tongue. I thought I had my hands on a real collector's item. I don't know why the original cover was so controversial. It's not even sexually appealing. Apparently, cat lady here wants to use her long tongue to reach under your balls and lick deep inside your asshole. But that's all IMPLIED. She isn't actually doing it. And that's good, because I really wouldn't want to see that. New Metallica Video Review Metallica released their new video last week for "The Day That Never Comes". If you watched the Packers-Vikings game the other night, you couldn't have missed the goddamn song, because it was all over the telecast. Every time Metallica releases a new album, I refuse to get excited at first, only to then get sucked into the whole "Well, it COULD be their return to form!" mentality that is always, ALWAYS fucking wrong. That was especially true this go round, as the band had finally ditched longtime producer/barnacle Bob Rock and gone back to their old, asskicking logo. FUCK YEAH! Surely, Rick Rubin could get another magnum opus out of them! It's gonna be just like Puppets! Right? Wrong. This song sounds like a shitty local band trying to write their own Metallica song. The cribbing from "Fade to Black" is so blatant, the band could sue itself (and will likely do just that). Worst of all, James Hetfield is still under the impression that he can sing, and holy shit is that not true. Fucking Rick Rubin. You're a guru! You can't grab Hetfield by the balls and tell him to go back to BARKING the fucking lyrics instead of trying to croon them like every song is the chorus to "The Unforgiven"? FAIL. Reader Sam R. sums it up best: "The new song makes me want to kill myself for than ‘Fade to Black' ever did." Indeed. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Willis McGahee. Oh, so you can knock up 50 women in three minutes, but you can't suit up for the fucking opener? DIE. Five Potential Key Injuries -Matt Hasselbeck (back) -Deion Branch (testicular goiter) -Nate Burleson (petrified hand disease) -Bobby Engram (refried prostate) -Another Other Seahawk Receiver (trapped under falling piano) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of Detroit was hilariously wrong, which makes me 0-1 for the year and immediately knocks me out of any suicide pool. Jesus. Nevertheless, we again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? The Giants, and choking yourself to death. Can you actually choke yourself to death? Let's give it a whirl. /chokes self /begins to struggle /turns blue /lets go prior to brain damage /spontaneously orgasms Hey, that was kinda fun! Gametime Snack Of The Week
Munchos. You know, I'm in mood for a potato chip. Oh, but I don't want one made of POTATOES. That would be gross. No, I'm looking for more of a shrimp chip style of potato chip. A chip that was clearly formed in a lab, and kind of slices into my tongue as I'm biting down on it. Are chips supposed to tingle in your mouth like this? I guess they are! Gametime Beer Of The Week
Heineken! Yes, Heineken, the beer for people with no olfactory senses! Is there a worse smelling beer on earth than this swill? The taste doesn't even begin to make up for the fact that Heineken always smells like it's been left out in the sun for two months straight. And yet, this shitty, shitty beer has total global ubiquity. Ever go on a long plane ride, and they run out of Bud after an hour, and all they have left is Heineken? And it costs a dollar more? And it doesn't even taste as good as a goddamn Budweiser? Jesus. Ever walk into a hotel bar and all they have to serve are Heinie and Amstel? What the fuck is that? Why do I constantly find myself stuck in places where Heineken is the only shit around to drink? I've had enough. Heineken, you are the only lame thing about the Netherlands. Stop being so shitty and learn to smell like an appealing beverage. Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Ronin. Oh, Natascha McElhone, won't you run away with me? I swear I'll always protect you from all the mean people. One look into your deep, gorgeous eyes and my pants do the Irish Spring. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Italian model Aria Giovanni. Hey, sitting on that stool isn't good for your back, missy! -For the gals: Thelma & Louise-Era Brad Pitt. My favorite part was when he stole all their money. Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend "Now men, if we just go out there and focus on doing our jobs, we can get this done… eh, who am I kidding? Do whatever the fuck you want. I'm gonna go read a book." -Scott Linehan Enjoy the games, everyone. Photoshop by 289.