Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. It's Halloween time, which is all the excuse the NFL needs to start parading out cheerleaders in some of the hottest goddamn fetish outfits I've ever seen. We all know that Halloween provides ladies of all stripes with a great excuse to bring out their inner slutinsky. I'll let Jim Gaffigan explain.
But I worry about some of these outfits getting a bit stale. You ladies can only dress up as a "sexy cat" so many times before penile indifference sets in. I'm fully supportive of las chicas dressing up as nurses, horny cops, and Sarah Palin (Neiman Marcus go-go boot version, please). But if you know anything about men, it's that we are in constant need of new and usual things to get turned on about. So I think it's only fair that we men suggest some alternative sexy costumes both for NFL cheerleaders and you sexy ladies out there. German Beer Wench! Throw on a smoking hot dirndl, serve your man a cold St. Pauli Girl, and help him re-enact that one scene in European Vacation where the German chick shows Rusty her boob. Never has the PG-13 rating been deployed so nobly. That boob is seared right into my libido. Cindy McCain! You're gonna see about 700,000 Sarah Palins out there this Halloween ("Look! I'm wearing glasses! Just like she does!"). But don't ignore the other MILF on that ticket. Toss on a Linda Evans platinum blond wig, stuff your face with enough Botox to poison an entire herd of buffalo, step into some fuck-me pumps, and be hot in that frigid-yet-possibly-wild-in-bed kind of way. Beach Volleyball Player! Got a sports bra? Got a neoprene thong? Got a pair of Oakleys and a visor? Voila! You are now just like Misty May, only almost certainly 30% more attractive than Misty May. Hot Mad Men Secretary! I'm very happy that this year's Sarah Palin costumes will finally give ladies a chance to wear hot business suits for the holiday. We really needed the office sex fetish thrown into the Halloween mix. But I suggest going one step further and dressing up as the redheaded chick from Mad Men. Pad your bra, even if you have breasts the size of basketballs. Wear an uncomfortable girdle to accentuate your curves. Have a scotch on the rocks available to your man at all times. That'll give any fella an instant retroboner. (You can also reuse this outfit next year and go as a film noir-style femme fatale. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be impressed with a solid Evelyn Mulwray costume.) I'm sure our commenters can come up with more ideas, but you get the picture. It's Halloween, ladies. Time to give out that sweet, sweet asscandy. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Steelers at Redskins: Ape vs. KOGOD! Cowboys at Giants: So Al Sharpton got all pissy because some asshole at the Post used the word "noose" in a column about Plaxico Burress this week. Sharpton wants Steve Serby fired. But, according to PFT, "Sharpton said he doesn't necessarily think Serby intended anything racist with his words." So then, WHAT IS THE GODDAMN PROBLEM? So the guy made a shitty metaphor. LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE, AL. "Wah wah! I want this guy fired because he used clumsy language!" What a fucking idiot. Packers at Titans
Four Throwgasms Patriots at Colts: Not the quite the glamour matchup it has been in years past, eh? The Colts may have a losing record right now, but I won't believe they're dead buried until they really are dead and buried. Like the 2000 Rams. Or John McCain.
Three Throwgasms Jets at Bills Dolphins at Broncos
Two Throwgasms Texans at Vikings: Viking DT's Pat and Kevin Williams tested positive for diuretics this week. And I don't know about you, but I think it's time to pose the question: ARE NFL PLAYERS GETTING TOO DANGEROUSLY THIN?
Look at this man. Why, he's nothing but skin and bones. He hasn't had a chicken drumstick in at least three minutes. Maybe it's the pressure that drives players to take water pills. Or perhaps it's the fact that coaches are always telling players they aren't good enough. Maybe that's why guys like Pat Williams are clearly trying to shit themselves to death. And hate to see someone waste away like that. Eagles at Seahawks Falcons at Raiders Cardinals at Rams Ravens at Browns Jaguars at Bengals
One Throwgasm Lions at Bears: Bucs at Chiefs: Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
Acclaimed DS commenter Raskolnikov writes in: "I'd like to recommend ‘Here Comes Dudley' by The Jesus Lizard. Although any song by The Jesus Lizard would do, this is one of my favorites (couldn't find Rope on video). A song about a guy beating the shit out of a crazy woman and her crazy boyfriend is always great. And the lead singer, David Yow, is a man you'd idolize. "From Wikipedia: ‘Yow achieved wide notoriety for playing shows completely drunk and incoherent and it was not uncommon for him to remove his clothing during Jesus Lizard concerts, often ending up completely naked by the second or third song, sometimes subjecting the audience to maneuvers known as 'The Hairy Tangerine' and 'The Tight and Shiny.'" There are NO Urban Dictionary definitions for either "The Hairy Tangerine" or the "Tight and Shiny." I don't think it's a stretch to assume the Hairy Tangerine somehow involves the scrotum. Perhaps it's when you wipe your balljuice off on another man's beard. And the Tight and Shiny must involve some sort of crystal dildo. We'd best ask Freddie Smoot about that one. Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"A Little Ain't Enough," by David Lee Roth. Yes, this song blows. Ah, but the video! Who can resist chicks in thong leotards on stairmasters? No one, that's who. In fact, there's another Halloween costume for you: 80's gym whore. Plus you get Dave wearing zebra chaps and driving a giant pink Wrangler. Never in your life will you see a sexier career videography made by a more flaming personality. It's like if Graham Norton decided to host "The Man Show." But that's not even the end of it! The Raiders cheerleaders are in this video! And midgets! Fucking midgets, man! Dave was a fucking visionary, people. You queers in Hinder could stand to study this man's filmmaking technique. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Terrell Owens. Fucking unproductive little shit. I don't care if he's got Brad Johnson rolling balls to him. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU FUCKING SALAD-TOSSING CAMERA SLUT. Five Potential Key Injuries -Felix Jones (hamstring) -Matt Cassel (severe prettiness) -Kellen Winslow (ball trauma) -Shaun Hill (testicular atrophying) -Seneca Wallace (creamy stool) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of the Jaguars was incorrect, which makes me 5-e for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Chicago, and going out trick-or-treating at night WITHOUT WEARING REFLECTIVE CLOTHING! Are you crazy? No one will see you! Now THAT is what I call scary, young man! Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Houston getting 4 points on the road against an underachieving Vikings team. I've written a poem for Halloween that I think would be a lot of fun to say to people when you knock on their doors. Here it is. Trick or treat You're a Jew Go to hell I really like that poem." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 1-5 Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Mike Singletary Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Herm Edwards Brad Childress Norv Turner Wade Phillips Honestly, how the fuck has Marvin Lewis not been fired yet? How is that possible? What does he need to do, bring out a fucking Weber Grill and cooler of beer on the sideline? Shouldn't there be a mercy rule for coaches of some sort? Marvin Lewis shouldn't be coaching. Marvin Lewis couldn't run a goddamn nursery school class. Gametime Snack Of The Week
Hershey's Miniatures! You're gonna see a lot of Hershey's Minis right around Halloween. You're also going to see a lot of people rooting around for the Special Dark and Krackel minis, leaving the Mr. Goodbars mini for dead at the bottom of the bowl. In fact, let's rank the minis right now. 1. Special Dark 2. Krackel 3. Mr. Goodbar 4. Plain Hershey Bar I wish they sold a bag that was just ALL Special Darks. I could eat about 70 of those in one sitting. I don't consider Hershey minis a great Halloween giveout candy. You gotta give kids something more substantial than that. Here's a quick ranking of trick or treating candies: 1. Reese's Cups 2. Snickers (Fun Size, not the minis. The minis are gay) 3. Butterfinger 4. M&M's minibags 5. Mounds/Almond Joy 6. Nestle Crunch 7. Hershey Minis That's really just about the limit of acceptable Halloween candy. Below that, you're getting into Milky Way, Skittles, and Three Musketeers territory, which is kinda weak. And even further below that is shit like Smarties, or fucking candy corn. Do you give out loose candy corn at Halloween? You disgust me. One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls "As a family man, I have to tell you: there is only so much time in each day that you can spend together as a family before you all grow sick to death of one another." Gametime Beer Of The Week
Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale! The flavored beer trend shows no sign of abating any time soon. And I must say, I'm a bit torn. My first instinct, naturally is to say, "OY! Fruit-flavored beer is GAY! GAYGAYGAYGAYGAY! I'm a man! My peepee likes women!" However, I must say: a little pumpkin ale this time of year is quite fucking tasty. Pumpkin ale is for the sort of person who says, "You know, I'd like really a beer. But I'd really also like some pie." Well, may as well enjoy both at once! Also, when no one is looking, I like to head down to a basement bar in the West Village and wrap my lips around a nice apricot ale. IT'S THE ALCOHOLISM THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME! But I won't drink raspberry lambic. That's going too fucking far. Random FKS-Style Tidbit
Say hello to rhaphidophoridae, also known as the spider cricket, or the cave cricket, or the camelback cricket, or the "HOLY LIVING FUCK THAT IS ONE BIGASS CRICKET!" cricket. I get these things in my house on occasion, and they are fucking disgusting. I expect my crickets to wear a top hat and sing delightful songs for my children. These assholes do nothing of the kind. The worst thing about them is that they jump right at you juuust as you're about the land your shoe on them. Guhhh. HOLD STILL, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT. I am the designated bug killer in my house. But I don't think it will surprise you to learn that I fucking hate bugs. To say I scream like a little girl when I see a big bug is an insult to little girls. Little girls have BALLS. They'll just walk right up to a bug and point at it. No, when one of these fuckers takes a leap at me, I jump back like James Brown after a goddamn speedball. Then I let out a yelp that only humpback whales can hear. My wife says she appreciates me killing the bugs, but wishes I dispatched them in a much cooler fashion, ala James Bond. Hey screw you lady. I don't see you stepping up to the plate! There was one that popped out the other night that was easily the size of Gamera. It was so fucking big, we had to suck it up with the vacuum. I can picture it still alive inside our vacuum right now. Feeding on dust. Growing to massive proportions. Gathering the strength to crawl back out and hurl a car at me. I fucking hate spider crickets. Robert Evans' MVP Watch! Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, sometimes you gotta know not to shit where you eat. Like the one time I was I working with Faye Dunaway. Stunning? You bet. Dangerous to men? You know it. I knew this little hussy would try and corner me one day. And sure enough, one night out on my pied a terre she gave me a look that let me know she wanted what Evans to give her points off the back end, if you catch my drift! "'Evans,' she told me. ‘You know I fuck all my producers.' "But I said, ‘Not so fast, darling! You may be hotter than my clay court villa in Majorca, but on the set I'm all business, sweetie!' "So I fucked her AFTER the picture was finished. Whips? Oh yeah. Cuffs? Let's just say I didn't treat that lady like a lady! "Your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Drew Brees of the Saints. Shame about that cheek of his. Sidney Korshak knows a doc who can probably take care of that for him." Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bengals And Lions Fans
Halloween. I saw this movie when I was 3. No joke. My parents thought watching this film on Halloween night was a good idea. Holy shit, people were lousy parents back in 70's. Modern horror movies don't employ the "binocular vision stalker cam" mode as often as they ought to. I mean, you see that camera angle, and you just know some lady is about to get absolutely butchered. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "My young friends: For years I have been silent, save for the crude crescendos of this primitive wind instrument. But now destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here, but we'll also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: A whole new batch of Stacy Kiebler pics via Maxim. Oh, Miss Hancock. You walk through the ropes like no other. -For the gals: Pro surfer Laird Hamilton. Can't surf down the Humunga Cowabunga From Down Unda without a waverunner towing you out, eh? WHAT A PUSS! Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "Now I vill suck! I vill suck harder than I have evah sucked!" -Count Al Davis Enjoy the games, everyone. And have a happy and safe Halloween. Pat Williams photoshop by 289.