Most American high schools schedule their high school reunions on this date, thinking that everyone will be home for the holidays and the only thing they'd like more than sitting at home watching OnDemand movies and eating leftovers is revisiting their high school years. I went to my 15 year high school reunion last year. We didn't have a 10 year one, but we did have a five year reunion. If you choose to go to any of your reunions, I highly recommend the five year one. It's probably the best opportunity you'll ever have in your life to engage in an orgy with half the girls you had a crush on in high school. Shit gets messy.
At the 15 year one, I spent most of the time wrapped up in conversation with people I know and like and spent the rest of the time dodging conversations with people I despised. You would think that once you reach your 30s, the type of social hierarchy in high school would cease to exist and that there are no more cliques, or cool kids, or jocks, or geeks, or all that. You'd be wrong. It's still there. Most people just learn how to handle these awkward social situations a little more tactfully. Instead of making up a lame excuse to get out of a conversation without blatantly insulting someone, they choose something along the lines of, "Just give me one minute, I have to get something to eat. I want to go before the buffet closes." Or, "Will you be around all night? I have to step outside for a minute and get some fresh air." I pulled the "I have to grab something to eat..." move on one guy and he achingly revealed that it was the fourth time that had happened to him that night. Yeah, well, welcome back to high school, buddy. Now don't fucking bother me on Facebook.
If any of you are planning on attending a reunion tonight or anytime in the near future, it's time to prepare yourself accordingly for the evening that will change your perception of high school for better or worse. You'll either walk away from that night fully content that all those people you obsessed about weren't worth the drama and finally move on. Or you'll come to the horrible realization that your life was never better than it was when you were 18.
So today I'm cranking up "For Just a Moment", re-pegging my jeans for old times sake, and placing odds on some of the people you'll run into at your high school reunion.
Let's go play Asshole at my parent's house later tonight after this jump.
The Hot Chicks Who Get Inexplicably Hotter: 1/1 This is just cruel. You've spent the last ten years preparing yourself for the moment when you, former Shlubby McPear, have finally built up the self-confidence, gotten rid of the acne, started hitting the gym, and have a nice, safe job doing something mildly interesting. You can finally approach Dafni Cheerleaderrsupertits and Kathy Promqueenhotass without fear of wetting yourself because you feel like you're on an equal level now. Plus, those girls have probably not had as good a run post-high school as you have. They've probably let themselves go a bit, have been soured by bad relationships, and no longer enjoy being the center of attention. They'll probably need you to make them smile again.
But...no. You see them from across the room and, shit, man , you have no shot. Everything's tighter on their bodies in the best way possible. They dress better, classier, and have become much more refined. Oh, yeah — and they've got money and are now dating a professional cage fighter. Try going up to them and telling them the amusing anecdote about that wacky legal client you had who kept skipping out on his payments. Or maybe just hold on to that and try it again at the 50 year reunion.
The Hot Chicks Who Did...Not:3/1
Blaaagh. This is depressing if only for the fact that these girls have gone out and ruined a completely legitimate masturbatory fantasy for the rest of your life. What happened, ladies? Those Pinot Grigio wrinkles, that extra arm fat, the dour expression —- this is just a travesty. And, no, it doesn't help that one of them will actually show up in what appears to be the dress she wore to the homecoming dance. Then, of course, one of them will get real drunk and resort to making fun of some of the people they used to when they were able to get away with such behavior. Best thing to do is call the cops and give them the heads up that there's a leathery woman in an old Ford Probe who's out driving drunk in the neighborhood.
The Having Waaaaay Too Much Fun Guys: 1/4
Wow. This is embarrassing. All of those guys who decided that the best way to make it appear that they weren't actually losing their hair, but made a conscious decision to shave their heads has seemingly backfired. Instead, you're in a roomful of 60 guys who made the same exact decision a couple years ago but have yet to update their look. Don't stand too close to each other or this event could be mistaken for a White Power convention. We don't want to attract protesters. But also? Who turned these guys loose on the dance floor? Why are you jumping around so much? This is not The Wiggles. Stop mugging for the camera! No, I don't want to see you Supaman that ho. I hate you. Oh, great. Buster Poindexter is coming on. Yeah, line dance your ass off, chief. I see you. Heeey. Wave those arms. I hope you get kicked to death by a horse.
The Newly Handicapped Classmate: 4/1
Inevitably, one of your classmates will either be stricken with some sort of debilitating illness or had some accident that has left them in a wheelchair. It's tough to interact with these people. Your usual bland small talk doesn't work because it could be misinterpreted, but if you don't say something to them then you're just a heartless, immature little bitch. But what to do — the "what have you been up to?" question could pin you into a depressing conversation that will take hours to extract yourself from. And you can't pull the "I have to go eat..." move because well, who wants that on their conscience? Best thing to do to get out of it is to offer them to come along to wherever you're headed to. (Just don't ask them any place hilly. Like, "A couple of us were thinking of going sledding this evening..." That's just a dick move.) Most of the time they'll just respect the fact that you're not trying to exclude them and politely say no. If they do come along, well, hey — look who's the big hero that evening! Just suck it up and play along. Sit in their lap and take a spin out on the dance floor with them. What could possibly go wrong?