APB, State College, Pa., Police Department: All units be on the lookout for anyone wearing pair of thick, bronze glasses. Suspect may also be wearing a USC sweatshirt.
We generally do not condone destructive mayhem here at Deadspin, but any prank involving metallurgy gets a pass. I am also reminded of the line from Woody Allen's Love and Death:
Boris: "How could I have been made in His image? Do you think God wears glasses?"
Sonja: "Not with those frames."
From the Daily Collegian, Penn State's student newspaper:
The glasses from the Joe Paterno statue on the east side of Beaver Stadium were removed and stolen sometime between Friday and Saturday, Penn State Police said. An officer was on routine patrol Saturday morning and saw the glasses were missing, police said. The glasses were removed between 11 a.m. Friday and 10:58 a.m. Saturday, police said. There is no estimated value of the damage.
OK, I'm going to turn out the lights, and when I turn them back on I expect the glasses to be on this table. No questions asked.