We all want to see the footage of LeBron getting dunked on, but Nike squirreled away the tapes in its secret underground Portland vault, and all we do is bitch. But the Internet's premier trolls actually did something about it.

4chan, helpfully described as "the asshole of the Internet," also has some boards that don't traffic in furry porn and Raptor Jesus. Specifically, /sp/ their sports board. The lovable scamps discovered that Nike has live customer support chat. What follows are selected unedited transcripts. If only Mumia had such devoted supporters.

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Ann: Hi, my name is Ann. How may I help you?
Joy Cotlor: Hi Ann...LeBaron James is my favorite athlete, so that's why I only buy Nike
Joy Cotlor: I've been looking for Lebron video that happened this week
Joy Cotlor: But someone said Nike took all the copies
Joy Cotlor: Do you know anything about it
Joy Cotlor: ?
Ann: Hi Joy
Ann: The Lebron video!
Ann: I have been hearing about that video!
Joy Cotlor: You know the one I mean ;)
Ann: I will check and see what is happening with that
Joy Cotlor: I bet they show it to all you employees
Joy Cotlor: and threaten to break your thumbs if you leak it
Joy Cotlor: BUt at least tell me about it! Did Lebron cry?
Ann: I wonder what happened?
Ann: I am checking
Ann: I don't actually know what Lebron's reaction was
Joy Cotlor: Guess!
Ann: Nike is very interested in any comments you might have about this event!
Joy Cotlor: Will you drop him as your spokesman since he got dunked on?
Joy Cotlor: It's kind of lame - I think I like Chris Mihm better now
Ann: I can forward that to our Nike Team!
Joy Cotlor: Awesome
Ann: And thank you for taking the time to tell us about your reaction
Ann: Are you satisfied with the resolution I've provided today?
Joy Cotlor: Oh yes very
Ann: You prefer Chris Mihm?
Joy Cotlor: Tell LEBron I am unsatisfied with his defense in the paint
Joy Cotlor: Chris Mihm doesn't get dunked on by high schoolers
Joy Cotlor: Ok Ann thanks for all your help
Ann: I will forward that as well

...

Shane: Hi, my name is Shane. How may I help you?
Chris Pablo: Hey shane.
Chris Pablo: release the tape :D
Shane: Hello!
Chris Pablo: ya?
Chris Pablo: Come on :D
Shane: Let me see what I can do.
Chris Pablo: :D
Chris Pablo: You rock Shane :D
Chris Pablo: ._. waiting patiently....
Shane: Well, I've looked through all of my resources to see that I can do. At this point in time all I can do is to put this into feedback for you.
Chris Pablo: Feed back of the video of lebron in mpg format?
Chris Pablo: maybe? :D
Shane: Hah, I'm afraid it isn't that kind of feedback.
Chris Pablo: How about for a cool twenty?
Chris Pablo: :D

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...

ablo Chris: We meet again shane... the video... gimme nao.. :3
Shane: Hello, Pablo what can I do for you today?
Pablo Chris: Seriously. You don't remember me.... the cool twenty?
Shane: Ha, Yes sir I remember. What can I do for you today?
Pablo Chris:dont play games with me boi.... the vid...nao.....
Pablo Chris: The lebron vid nao....
Pablo Chris: Do not ingore me shane..... D:
Shane: Im sorry, as I said before, we will leave the apporiate feedback in your email.
Pablo Chris: Shane!@ shane listen to me! your better than that! get the vid! dont talk like one of them! your not! even thou you want to be ur not!
Pablo Chris: SHANE!
Pable Chris: ANSWER ME DAMIT!
Shane has disconnected

...

Bonnie: Hi, my name is Bonnie. How may I help you?
Phillip McDillington: Oh hi Bonnie
Phillip McDillington: My friend was talking to me, about this LeBron James video
Phillip McDillington: anyways
Phillip McDillington: he said if I talked to one of you guys
Phillip McDillington: I could see it
Phillip McDillington: and at first
Phillip McDillington: I was like, that's stupid
Phillip McDillington: because, I don't like basketball
Phillip McDillington: but then
Phillip McDillington: he mentioned something about porn or something
Phillip McDillington: and that kind of peaked my interest
Phillip McDillington: and I was like
Phillip McDillington: where do I get this video
Phillip McDillington: because Im not gay
Phillip McDillington: but seeing LeBron James without a shirt off
Phillip McDillington: I would like, celebrate like he did against orlando
Phillip McDillington: where he was like screaming and cheering and shit
Phillip McDillington: I imagine that's how he climaxes
Phillip McDillington: anyways
Phillip McDillington: can I get said video?
Phillip McDillington: and what do you know about it?
Bonnie: Hi Phillip, that video has been removed, we cannot get it or market it and that is all that I know about it.
Phillip McDillington: Seriously?
Phillip McDillington: It has been removed?
Phillip McDillington: So it was up at one point?
Phillip McDillington: So can you like search your site history and like look for it again?
Phillip McDillington: Because thats what I do when I like go find something and then like forget where I found it
Bonnie: I hope you satisfied with the service I've provided today.
Bonnie has disconnected.

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...

Shane: Hi, my name is Shane. How may I help you?
Richard Corbeau: Is Bonnie around? I need to speak to Bonnie
Richard Corbeau: It's IMPERATIVE I speak to Bonnie!
Richard Corbeau: WHERE'S BONNIE?!
Shane: Let me see if she is available.
Richard Corbeau: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU CREEP?! OH GOD, THE BLOOD
Richard Corbeau: thanks :3