By now, you've likely seen the above video of former Padres #1 overall pick Matt Bush being arrested and crying like a fat kid who can't open a peanut jar.
Bush, who never played at the Major League level and was released by the Blue Jays this spring, does his very best "Don't tase me, bro!" impression while being hogtied and arrested for DUI and resisting arrest. I never understood why people resist arrest, even if they're drunk. If the police want to arrest you, they WILL arrest you. Do you really think all that squirming will actually pay off? "Whoa whoa, Lou! Maybe we should let this guy go. He sure seems sincere about not wanting to go to jail."
Remember, you drunken folks out there, these are cops. They LOVE it when you resist arrest. That's when they get to TURN ON THE FUCKING FISTS. Best part of their job, and likely the reason they joined the Force to begin with. It's like when you're a football player and a fan runs onto the field of play. It's a license to maim, which is awesome.
Anyway, this video is proof positive that, while it's okay for men to cry sometimes, it is NEVER okay to cry while being arrested, Johnny Sack-style. It completely ruins any street cred you get from your arrest. You may have been a real badass robbing that liquor store the way you did. But if you squealed like a fucking pig when they slapped the cuffs on, you're a gash.
I'm well-versed in crying. I have any number of personal shortcomings that easily reduce me to tears if I acknowledge them for too long. The key is picking your spots. There are good times to cry, and doing it while Sgt. Hanrahan is making you eat asphalt isn't one of them. Here now is a quick rundown.
-In the shower (it's perfect because you're alone, and the tears wash away so easily. Plus, you can be very dramatic with yourself and sink to the floor)
-Alone in the car
-In the hospital
-After trying to have a conversation with Jeff Garlin
-In a lawyer's office
-When Ty Pennington is unveiling your new home and the whole town starts clapping
-In a movie theater (of course, you must do everything you can to withhold the waterworks, just like everyone else does. Unless the film is Saving Private Ryan in which case you are free to break down completely and scream out GRANDPA! GRANDPA I LOVE YOU! as I once did)
-In the locker room after losing a football game
-In the locker room after winning a football game
-Sight of onion booty
-When you put together something from Ikea and it looks fine except one of the panels is backwards and NOW YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK?!!!
-After losing one of the men in your battalion
-Your single daughter's pregnant
-On the shitter
-In the stands after losing a football game
-In the stands after winning a football game
-Your married daughter's pregnant
-Your favorite team wins a title in some other inferior sport
-Drunk and throwing up at 4AM (You know these guys. The ones that get shitfaced and start crying because… ?)
-On the golf course
-On a tennis court
-In a business meeting
-During particularly intense intercourse
-On a boat
-At the opera
-On a game show or reality show (any time a camera is on you, really)
-At the zoo
-While eating ice cream. Shit, you're eating ice cream. How bad can life be?
Yours in the comments.