Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Let's play a game. Imagine you have a fantasy football team. Not exactly a stretch. Now, let's say you decide to make a trade in your league. A really fucking stupid trade, something along the lines of trading away Marmalard for Nate Washington. This is a stupid trade. Once you make it, every other owner in the league pillories you for it. They call you a shithead. They tell you that you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You thought it was a really solid trade when you made it. Yet now everyone's castigating you for it. Furthermore, as the season plays out, it becomes clear that Marmalard is putting up fantastic numbers and Nate Washington is doing jack shit. So the other owners happily rib you for your idiocy from now into eternity.
Now, if you're a normal person, or as close to normal as someone can be, how do you react to this scrutiny? Well, I think a normal person would, despite initially thinking the trade was a good idea, come to realize that perhaps the wisdom of crowds was correct, and that they made a mistake. Even the most stubborn of people would be helpless to argue against either the collective opinion or the ensuing result. They'd eventually feel dumb, regret their decision, and they'd do all they could to prevent it from ever happening again. This is what a normal person would do.
This is not how Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder works.
If Dan Snyder had made that trade, he would have done five things. First, he NEVER would have admitted it was a mistake. Not even to himself. Secondly, he would still feel he made the right move even as the season continued, even as statistical evidence built up PROVING that the trade was idiotic. Thirdly, he would have had his lawyer issue a gag order to the other owners in the league, demanding they cease their criticism and having all written taunts erased from the league message board. Fourth, he would then make an even DUMBER trade, and ask his lackey to execute it. Finally, he would sip brandy from a snifter and congratulate himself on a job well done.
There are many bad franchises out there in the sports world, but there is a distinct difference between a franchise being shitty and a franchise being utterly hopeless. Even historically bad teams like Arizona are able to shine on occasion. No, I'm talking about the Raiders, Clippers, and Orioles of the world. I'm talking about franchises that have no hope of turning things around because the man who owns the team refuses to relinquish his cold death grip upon it. Those are the truly hopeless teams out there. The teams that refuse to pull themselves out of their own dysfunction. Teams for whom there is no future, just an endless cycle of building up shaky scaffolding and then tearing it back down again.
And in the NFL, the very worst example of that hopelessness is located right here, in DC.
This decline has been a long time in the making. It's not as if Dan Snyder hasn't been criticized for his stubbornness and his lack of football acumen before. He has. Repeatedly. And that's the problem. Snyder has owned the team for a decade now. In that time, he has displayed a lack of self-awareness that borders on the sociopathic. And after ten years, it's fair to assume now that he will NEVER change. He will never listen to reason. He will never acknowledge failure. He will never accept that the hundreds of thousands of voices telling him he's fucking it all up may have a point. No, no. He's just going to continue on suing season ticket holders, banning Dan Steinberg from posting stadium photos of fans in dissent, hiring clearly unqualified head coaches, and destroying any credibility he might have with potentially talented coaches and GM's who might otherwise sign on to help the team win.
I have lived in Maryland for five years now. And while I delight in the Skins misfortunes from time to time (okay, every day), it's difficult not to feel a touch of sympathy for some of the fans here. This is a football town to the core. Enthusiasm for the Redskins here can't be overstated. These people are fucking CRAZY about this team, in good times and bad. They even willingly go to games at FedEx Field, which is like watching a game inside a prison. They're willing to eat a lot of shit for this team, no matter how many times Snyder has boned them over. And what do they get for their troubles? They get a team that is virtually unwatchable. Any time the Skins connect on a long pass play, it feels like a mistake. And they get people like Simmons calling them the worst fans on earth because some Steelers fans stormed the joint last year. Well, Billy Boy, YOU try heading over to that stadium and see if you think it's worth a shit. Because it isn't. It blows, and tales of all the cynical ways in which the Skins try and part fans from their money are legion in these parts.
At least Al Davis is fucking old. Yeah yeah, he's a vampire and can't be killed blah blah blah. The reality is, that old man is gonna croak WAY before Dan Snyder does. And when that happens, there's a chance the Raiders could end up in the hands of someone who isn't a complete fucking nutbar. And at least Davis had the courtesy of waiting until he was old and senile before turning incompetent. Even Mike Brown makes a good decision once in a blue moon. Even the LIONS managed to fire Matt Millen. They took eight fucking years longer than they should have, but it did happen. Redskins fans are offered no such comfort. Snyder will be in charge for decades, he will continue to repel any and all criticism with childish disdain. LALALA, FANS, DAN CAN'T HEAR YOU! HE'S WEARING HIS JACUZZI SUIT!
To know that this bizarrely irrational man will always be steering the team down a seemingly endless road into the desert, and that nothing can be done about it… even the douchiest of douchey Skins fans can't be too pleased. It's quite a skill, when you think about it. To think that, in ten years of ownership, Snyder has learned nothing from his experiences, and has even managed to regress. Look at this quote from Steinberg's post yesterday from team GM/sexual gimp Vinny "Pegboy" Cerrato regarding the team's hiring of Sherman Lewis (who was, before the hiring, working as a BINGO CALLER in an old folks home, I shit you not) this week as a team consultant:
To me, the most ominous quote (outside the "Kiss of Death" bit) came from Vinny Cerrato himself, when he said he didn't know what Lewis's role would be, but that "they'll get that figured out here in the next day."
Ten years. Ten years and this team is still bringing people in without knowing what the fuck to do with them. What normal person in this position goes this long without learning anything, and denies that anything is wrong? How is that possible? If that isn't hopeless, I don't know what is. Dan Snyder, you are fucking worthless. You are a tiny little sociopath who should be wearing giant old person sunglasses and running one of the Koreas. You fucking suck, and it seems you're more than happy to bask in it. The only thing you can do to help your team at this point is to walk in front of an oncoming cement mixer. Way to ruin everything, shithead. DIE.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Patriots at Broncos: Ugh. The bye weeks. You know what they should do? Just have the byes during weeks 8 and 9. Give half the league one week off, the other half the next. Don't spread out the pain. Don't rape my fantasy team for six straight weeks. Just get it the fuck over with. This slow, agonizing drip of teams taking the week off only ends up producing lackluster weeks like this one.
By the way, a giant FUCK YOU to Tom Brady's weak little knee for destroying roughing the passer and unnecessary penalties across the entire league. Every game I've seen this year has featured at least one completely unjustified personal foul penalty. I've seen secondary players flagged for putting a shoulder in the wideout's chest. I've seen defensive ends flagged for tackling the QB at the waist. I've seen players flagged for roughing the QB despite merely grazing them half a millisecond after the ball is thrown. It's fucking ridiculous. I understand the need to protect offensive players as the game grows faster and more violent. That's fine. I have no problem with the rules. My problem is that the rules are being enforced poorly. This isn't shit that refs should be figuring out on the fly. They should fucking be consistent about this shit right now. Teams are getting hosed left and right. Defenders are letting QB's run free because they're afraid to wrap up. It's a joke.
Bengals at Ravens: The Bengals nearly tied last week. I asked the gents at KSK if you would be knocked out of your suicide pool if the team you picked ties. They all agreed that you would. If I lost $10 in some fucking suicide pool because my team tied and didn't actually lose, I think I'd drive a van into a kindergarten class.
Falcons at 49ers: One more thing about the refs. Reader pemulis emailed in to say that refs always call the penalty "illegal block in the back". You don't need to word "illegal" there. All blocks in the back are illegal. It's not the NFL unless unnecessary verbiage is involved.
Jets at Dolphins: Simmons made the point a while back that the four categories on the injury report aren't anywhere specific enough, which is true. In fact, there's really only one category on the injury report that worth a shit, and that's "questionable." Players who are probable end up playing. Players who are doubtful rarely do. You barely need those two categories. In fact, they only serve to clutter up the report. Just tell me who's questionable. Just tell us who's 50/50 so I can get right to shitting my pants.
Texans at Cardinals: Here's Chris Berman on the Twitter phenomenon. "You are taught to think before you speak. Twitter flies in the face of that." Hmm. Guess you don't really follow your own pearls of wisdom, do you? FUCK YOUR FACE.
Colts at Titans: I watched two minutes of Jay Leno the other night out of curiosity. When the hell did Jay start looking like Bea Arthur? That freaked out my shit. By the way, read any profile of Leno and you will discover he's the least passionate comedian in the history of everything ever. It borders on psychosis. He seems to care more about outworking other comics than actually being funnier than them. I think Leno is happy to merely stay employed. If he got 10 million viewers in a week but never got an audience member to laugh once, I think he'd be fine with that. And that's what makes him so irritating to so many. He works his ass off, yet in many ways he really doesn't seem to give a shit.
Steelers at Lions: I dare say this Detroit team is entertaining in its shittiness. And really, can you ask for more than that? I love bad teams that have the courtesy of making every game a 54-32 fantasy orgy.
Vikings at Rams: Ratings suggest you watched last Monday night's Favrekakke. If you did, you may have seen the ad for this, the commemorative Brett Favre "Vikings Art Football."
To commemorate Brett's return to the NFC North Division Spike Football is pleased to release this Officially Licensed Exclusive Brett Favre Art Football featuring the amazing and vivid talents of renown sports artist Al Sorenson. This beautiful full size football portrays Favre in his Vikings uniform, a listing of his career accomplishments and a display of Vikings' history. Each full size football includes its own display holder from which you and your friends can admire this handsome piece of sports art. This is a limited edition collectible and fans of Favre, the Vikings and perhaps even the Green Bay Packers are sure to generate swift demand for this unique piece of Brett Favre memorabilia. You must place your order now as a complete sell out is expected.
I'm sure it is. I'd put it right next to my cherished Thomas Kinkade paintings. I'll stick with my Havoc Heli, thank you very much. LOOGIT, IT ALMOST HIT THE CEILING FAN!
Raiders at Giants: The estimable DJ Gallo would like you to begin following the Bill Romanowski Twitter feed immediately. Gems abound:
@ScottFerrall thanks buddy! Talk to you on Wednesday!
Favre is playing the game of his life!
Brett Favre is a true man. Watching the game.
Raiders gave up too many plays.
I think I need to train McFadden how to be strong.
Romo will tweetrape you into being a better, stronger person.
In other Raider news, JaMarcus Russell might be the laziest player in history.
Boomer Esiason of CBS recently lifted the lid on the problems with Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell. Esiason said on Sunday's The NFL Today that Russell has been "fined heavily" for showing up late for multiple meetings, being overweight, and missing one meeting.
A league source tells us that it's even worse.
Per the source, Russell has missed multiple meetings, and that he has missed multiple other activities. His behavior has been described to us as a "pattern not an aberration."
I look forward to interviews with Russell when he's old and 500 pounds. "I wash mahself with a rag on a stick." It just proves my theory: never, EVER trust a man who wears a full length mink coat. No one trustworthy has ever donned this garment.
Browns at Bills: Want to never eat a hamburger again? I've got the article for you. So what's in a burger from Jack in the Box?
Cargill records show that the hamburgers were made from a mix of slaughterhouse trimmings and a mash-like product derived from scraps that were ground together at a plant in Wisconsin. The ingredients came from slaughterhouses in Nebraska, Texas and Uruguay, and from a South Dakota company that processes fatty trimmings and treats them with ammonia to kill bacteria.
Mmmm… Mr. Clean. I don't like anything described as an "x-like product". Just not a good sign. Best of all, when you get E. coli…
the toxin in E. coli O157:H7 penetrates the colon wall, damaging blood vessels and causing clots that can lead to seizures.
Hey now! Raped by bacteria? That's a hell of a burger. Secretly, I always assume that anything I eat has feces in it. Likely my own. I wash my hands plenty, but sometimes I wonder if that is enough to prevent me from smearing invisible shit particles all over the place. I know damn well it isn't. It's a poopy world we live in, gang.
Redskins at Panthers: My wife asked me to fold a fitted sheet the other day. I will find a cure for AIDS before I figure out a way to fold a fitted sheet properly.
Cowboys at Chiefs
Bucs at Eagles
Jaguars at Seahawks
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"House Of Mirrors," by Doves. Oh, Doves. You're just like Coldplay, if Coldplay wasn't awful. According to Wiki…
…back in 1981, Andy and Jez Williams formed a band with schoolmate and bass player Tim Whiteley…
Tim Whiteley? OF THE MONTCLAIR WHITELEYS?
Embarassing iTunes Track I Just Bought That Will Not Fire You Up
"Rhapsody in Blue," by George Gershwin. I enjoy listening to classical music because it makes me feel like a rich person.
Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Fingerbang yourself in the shower and pass out, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Willis McGahee. Go fuck yourself, McGahee. Really. GO AND GRAB YOUR PENIS AND TUCK IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND STUFF THE HEAD OF IT IN YOUR BUTT.
McGahee has seven touchdowns in just four games this year. He has not had more than eight TD's in any of the previous four entire seasons. NOW is when you finally decide to be useful, you goddamn piece of cock? NOW is the time you decide to finally stop impregnating every fucking thing you stick your dick in so you can be a productive running back? Just as Ray Rice is becoming a stud? YOU ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ALIVE AND I HOPE YOU CHOKE.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of Houston was correct, making me 4-0 on the year. That puts the Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Minnesota, and feeding children. Ask any parent the most annoying thing about having kids, and they will tell you two things: 1) Trying to get the little fucker to sleep, and 2) Trying to get the little fucker to fucking eat. I feed my eight-month-old every day. At least once during the feeding, the kid will grab the end of the spoon with the food on it. And before I even have time to react, the kid will wipe his carrot-soaked hand across the hair, his face, his hair, his clothing, and anything within a 10-inch radius. Feeding kids is horrible.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Bengals getting 8.5 points on the road against the Ravens. I hear Limbaugh wants to buy the Rams. I approve. He's everything I want out of an NFL owner. He's rich, he's white, and he belongs to any number of country clubs that don't let Jews in, and have lots of old black people tending the bar who call you ‘Boss'. I like being called ‘Boss' when I get my drink. Feels appropriate."
2009 Nazi Shark Record: 3-1
This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner Things Trebek Sucks. He did not email in a rant. WHAT IS A WASTED OPPORTUNITY TO HELP PAD MY COLUMN SPACE WITHOUT MONETARY COMPENSATION?
This week's Pants Party winner was I'd Pee In Her Butt! Good job, I'd Pee In Her Butt. By the way, if you peed in a girl's butt, wouldn't it all just splash back on you? That's like when you accidentally graze the rim when you're pissing. Ever do that? I do that at least once a week. Wet shins ahoy.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Mike B. sends in a poop story entitled, "The Phantom Shitter"
One night a week before college graduation four other guys and I decided to take a trip out to a friend's house to get away from the city. We picked up a couple of thirty packs and proceeded to play 711 doubles from the confines of my friend's basement. The next morning we woke up at the crack of dawn and after consuming lots and lots of Budweiser the basement stank like shit.
We opened up the small windows, turned on a fan, but with no success. It stank. We knew something was not right as we proceeded to scour the basement for its source. Nestled in the far most corner of the basement was a barstool with no arms. On top of it was a tightly coiled load the size of great dane's shit. It was a perfectly formed piece of shit. If that shit were a man it would have been labeled an Adonis.
But how could someone have gotten up in the middle of the night in a drunken stupor and manage to drop trough on a bar stool with no arms with no means of positioning there body over the seat, without a point of leverage in sight. We each promised to go into the bathroom remove their underwear, come back out and the group would inspect them for any residue left from improperly wiping or not wiping at all the night before. No evidence. Nothing. The next week graduation came and went and we all said our goodbyes until another day. That night however a legend was born. The Phantom Shitter. Will he ever strike again? I don't know. What I do know is that I miss him.
I do appreciate a good, coiled poop. Like chocolate soft serve. It really is a neat shape to pull off. As for dropping anchor on a barstool, that strikes me as a brutal task. The phantom shitter probably had to stand on the circular wood footrest in order to squat properly. All in all, an extremely impressive crime. Like a cat burglar. I'd nickname the offending poop The Brown Panther.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
NORV! Great to have him back. Oh, and one more thing on the Zorn front. Here's a quote from Washington Post beat reporter Rick Maese's Twitter feed on the Sherm Lewis hiring: "Sherm Lewis doesn't seem sure what his exact responsibilities will be either. Said he didn't speak to Zorn before accepting job." So long, Jimmy.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Applesauce. You know the only difference between applesauce and apple butter? The disapproving looks from society.
We have small cups of applesauce we feed to the kids. It takes my three-year-old at least seventy spoonfuls to get through the thing. Meanwhile, I can empty my entire cup with a single tablespoon and eat it in one bite. Kids, I'm a better eater than your sorry asses will ever be.
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Budweiser American Ale! We darkened regular Budweiser so that it LOOKS like a good beer. Let's see if you buy it!
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my NEW favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Peyton Manning of the Colts! Say, a lot of people in this town are throwing their support behind Roman Polanski, and I'm with them! What's happening to my old friend is an injustice! A great director? YOU BET! An even better bocce ball enthusiast? DAMN RIGHT! You can't seriously want to put this man in jail! He made The Pianist! That picture's worth at least a dozen champagne kiddie rapes! Trust me, I known hundreds of directors in this town who have done worse! Doug Liman keeps a human centipede in his wine cellar!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Monty Python And The Holy Grail. I'd rather… just… SING! I've seen this movie more than any other movie. I can write the screenplay out from memory, as I also could with Life of Brian and most any episode of "Flying Circus." And I'm pretty sure, actually I'm quite sure, that this makes me an old person. I don't apologize for loving Monty Python, but I think only old people love them anymore. This makes me feel sad.
Oh, and a hearty FUCK YOU to all the people in the world who, for the past three decades, have attempted to brand any American who likes Python as a nerd. ZOMG! YOU LIKE FUNNY MOVIES! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK! Honestly, go fuck yourself. Monty Python shot this movie using only a single location and 12 giant sheets of LSD. That's badass, and if you think liking it is nerdy, go jack off to American Pie. DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL, WITH NASTY POINTY TEETH!
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Holy Taco's gallery of women in bathtubs. The only time you'll ever click on link labeled TUB GIRLS and not find yourself horrified. I curse the person who sent me that site. I hate you forever, Tubgirl sender.
-For the gals: Taye Diggs. He's shiny. Also, his nipples appear to be wall-eyed.
Enjoy the games, everyone.