I've been thinking about terrible coaches lately. Coaches that are not merely incompetent, but also paranoid, megalomaniacal, and prickish. Coaches that are praised for having such qualities, particularly at the college and high school levels.
I had a swimming coach when I was four, named Mr. Willamy. During a swim lesson, I was reluctant to enter the pool. Mr. Willamy responded by yelling at me, dunking my head in the water, and holding it there until I was nearly drowning. Mr. Willamy wasn't fired for this, of course. Mr. Willamy kept his job for decades, and was something of an institution. He's dead now. Fuck that guy.
If you've ever played sports (or, in my case, attempted to), you have no doubt encountered your fair share of asshole coaches. BLAZING ASSHOLE COACHES. In fact, I'd argue that most men become coaches because they couldn't be bothered to fill out the application to become a fucking rent-a-cop. You know the kind of coach I mean. Aviator shades. Puffed chest. Drunk with precious authority. Ready to scream at children at the drop of a hat. For every Tony Dungy in this world, there are roughly one million complete fucking scumbags aspiring to be the next Bear Bryant.
Well, it's time to call those gentlemen out. Deadspinners, welcome to our very first edition of ASSHOLE COACH DIGEST. Every Monday, we'll be chronicling real stories about coaches who are arrogant, unpleasant, and downright abusive. You can send me your coaching horror stories right here. I don't give a shit if your coach is BAD. I don't care if he elected to kick a field goal when he was down by seven points with no timeouts and only five minutes left (Hi, Andy!). And I really don't give a shit if he didn't give you enough PT.
No, I'm talking about the Manginis of the world. The slimy, slogan-spouting assholes who just can't wait to put you in your place. It can be any sport. It can be your current coach, or a coach you once had. You can name names, or you can be anonymous. I don't care. All I want is to offer you a bit of payback to any coach who took his bullshit too fucking far. The end goal, naturally, is to get stories about some big name assholes: the Bobby Knights and Todd Haleys of the world. But really, any coach will do. It's time to debunk a profession that is often lionized far beyond what it deserves. Molder of young men, my ass. Take this story, from reader Andrew:
I think I've got 90% of people beat with my fourth grade flag football coach. First of all, guy was this huge, former o lineman who was living vicariously through his fourth grade son. Dude, would have us doing legitimate drills such as leg lifts and ab work for this team. I feel the need to reemphasize the fact here, that this was a fourth grade coach and most of the kids were 9-10 years old and just want to play glorified backyard ball.
Oh and I did I mention the guy broke my collarbone? Yes, yes, my fourth grade flag football coach broke me collarbone. You may be asking yourself right now, "How Andrew, How did your fourth grade flag football coach break your collarbone?" Well, let me tell you, so we were playing a scrimmage in the backyard of our elementary school. Well, one kid on our team, who was lined up at linebacker, had watched some tv and figured out a juke move that he was using on some poor kid who was lined up center. The poor kid was always getting faked out by this move because, he was, you know, fucking nine.
So the coach decides the best way to teach these kids how to stop such a move is to INSERT HIMSELF IN THE FUCKING SCRIMMAGE. So now, there is a forty year old, 200+ lbs. huge dude lined up at center, in the middle of this scrimmage of nine and ten year olds. So the next play from scrimmage occurs and the kid playing linebacker fakes his juke and completely outmaneuvers the coach, the coach dives for where he thinks the kid is supposed to be and instead, lays me out. We're talking, this guy performed a near flawless form tackle on my, tiny, fifty pound self and proceeded to lay on top of me for a good couple of seconds afterwards.
Needless to say my collarbone snapped like a dry piece of spaghetti. Soon after my incident, half of the team quit because the coach was fucking psychotic and his kid moved maybe two years later. But my goddamn shoulder still fucking hurts whenever the air pressure changes to serve a nice little reminder of the great flag football career I had consisting of one fucking game and then a nice stint on the DL.
Or this one, from Jared:
In the spring semester of my junior year in high school there were these rumors going around the school that head football coach was having an affair and was getting divorced. This ended up being true but the next part is the shocker.
He was having the affair with the assistant coach's wife, who also had a son on the football team who was the starting QB.
After each got divorced they started dating and got married that summer. He even kept his job at the school even though he supply fucked her in his office multiple times. The kid even had to keep playing for the jerk-off because his dad couldn't afford to send him to the private school in the area. So the whole season this kid had to play for a coach who fucked his mom and ruined his parents' marriage. The kid's dad, who used to be good friends with the guy and was the defensive coordinator, quit because of the whole head coach fucking his wife thing. The coach ended up leaving after the season when he got new job but the damage was done. He was a total douchbag.
You get the idea. Broken collarbones. Boning the starting QB's mom. This is WHY YOUR COACH SUCKS. Photos, video, and scanned motivational slogans are all welcome.