In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the megasize temple of commerce that assaulted me with annoying children, terrible seasonal music and then took all my money. You win again, Christmas.

Every year I say I'm never going back and then every year it's three days before my family's holiday celebration and there's nothing under the tree for anybody. So it's off to the only place in the world where you can get golf balls, flannel sheets, and an Orange Julius all under one lazy roof. Even though I somehow picked the one mall in America that doesn't have a toy store. Looks like Yankee Candle gift certificates for the little ones this year!

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Seriously, can we just cancel Christmas? If I have to go out in that traffic again, I can't be held responsible for any road rage that may ensue.

Honorable mention: Vinny Del Negro, who should be getting his Chirstmas present soon. A free (and permanent) vacation!