We finish our year-by-year look back at the decade with the year 2009, back when James Cameron disappointed at the box office with The Abyss, back when Eli Manning was drafted by the San Diego Chargers. Simple times.
Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. Octomom gives birth to eight babies. The MLB Network launches. Leon Panetta, Tim Geithner and Hillary Clinton are sworn in as CIA director, Treasury Secretary and Secretary of State, respectively. Steve Jobs takes a leave of absence from apple. 598,000 Americans lose their jobs, the highest single-month total since December 1974. John Updike and Ricardo Mantalban die. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles to win the NFC and advance to the Super Bowl. AJ Daulerio gets a tattoo and is hit in the face with a cookie sheet. Gov. Rod Blagojevich is impeached. Florida beats Oklahoma to win the mythical college football championship. Sully Sullenberger crash lands a Us Air jet into the Hudson River, saving the lives of all on board, because Sully Sullenberger is awesome.
A plane crash outside Buffalo kills 50 people. Conan O'Brien films his last "Late Night" episode. President Obama says most American troops will be out of Iraq by August 2010. Paul Harvey dies. Alex Rodriguez admits to having tested positive for performance enhance drugs. Boli. The Senate approves a $787 billion stimulus plan. 651,000 more jobs are lost. Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture. The Pittsburgh Steelers beat The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals to win Super Bowl XLIII. Yes: Both feet were down.
Gunmen in Alabama and North Carolina kill 11 and eight, respectively. Bernie Madoff pleads guilty. "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" debuts. Natasha Richardson dies. Syracuse beats Connecticut in six overtimes in the Big East tournament at Madison Square Garden. AIG announces a $61 billion loss and receives more bailout money.
"ER" runs its final episode. Swine flu kills 100 people in Mexico. North Carolina beats Michigan State to win the NCAA championship. Bea Arthur and Nick Adenhart die. Justice Souter announces he'll step down. Arlen Specter decides to become a Democrat. President Obama orders the execution of three Somalian pirates. Angel Cabrera, a smoker, wins The Masters. Freddie Mac CFO David Kellerman kills himself. John Madden retires.
50-1 longshot Mine That bird wins the Kentucky Derby. Manny Ramirez tests positive for some sort of crazy hormone and is suspended for 50 games. Chuck Daly, Dom DiMaggio, Dom DeLuise and Jack Kemp die. The FDA bans the weight-loss drug Hydroxycut. North Korea conducts a second nuclear test. Sonia Sotomayor is nominated to the Supreme Court. Abortion doctor George Tiller is shot and killed. Stanley McChrystal replaces David McKiernan as the top US commander in Afghanistan.
An Air France plane carrying 228 people disappears. The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Orlando Magic to win the NBA championship. General Motors files for bankruptcy. Tucker Max and Matthew Berry hang out. Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and David Carradine die, but nobody cares, because Michael Jackson dies. China bans foreign journalists from entering Tiananmen Square on the 20th anniversary of the political massacre. Mark Sanford tells his staff that he's hiking the Appalachian Trail, but he's actually with his mistress in Argentina. President Ahmadinejad wins re-election in Iran, sparking massive protests, in Twitter and in the real, physical world. Al Franken finally is awarded his Senate seat. Artie Lange terrorizes poor Joe Buck.
Sarah Palin resigns as governor of Alaska. Cash for Clunkers launches. LeBron James is dunked on in a pickup game, and Nike tries to hide it. Steve McNair is killed. Goldman Sachs posts profits of $3.44 billion for the second quarter of 2009. Frank McCourt, Walter Cronkite and Robert McNamara die. President Obama throws out the first pitch at the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis. Pictures of Erin Andrews naked in a hotel room hit the Web. Everyone feels bad.
Sonia Sotomayor confirmed as the first Latina Supreme Court justice. Paula Abdul leaves "American Idol." Josh Hamilton party photos revealed by Deadspin. A helicopter and a small plane crash over the Hudson, killing nine. Ted Kennedy, Don Hewitt, Bob Novak, Les Paul, Eunice Kennedy Schriver and John Hughes finish the summer of death. Rick Pitino admits to consensual sex at a Louisville restaurant with a woman who isn't his wife. Usain Bolt sets the 100-meter dash record again. North Korea lets two Current TV journalists free.
Rep. Joe Wilson yells "You Lie!" Fire Joe Morgan guest-edits Deadspin. "The Jay Leno Show" debuts. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis resigns. ESPN turns 30. Roman Polanski is arrested in Switzerland. Right-wing extremists protest President Obama's message to schoolchildren that they stay in school and study hard. Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift and is called a "jackass" by the President. Sean Salisbury and AJ Daulerio email with each other. William Safire and Irving Kristol are the second and third best dancers to die, behind Patrick Swayze.
A "Monday Night Football game between the Vikings and the Packers becomes the most-watched program in cable television history. Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Deadspin runs excerpts from Tim Donaghy's book. Steve Phillips is fired from ESPN for his affair with a younger co-worker. Afterwards, Deadspin runs something else. Claude Levi-Strauss, Soupy Sales and Bruce Wasserstein die. Rio de Janeiro wins the 2016 Summer Olympics. President Obama ends U.S. policy of not allowing HIV-positive people from entering the United States. Bill Simmons' "The Book Of Basketball" and Chuck Klosterman's "Eating The Dinosaur" are released. David Letterman admits sexual relationships with female members of his staff. Some guy tried to extort him from the back of his car, or something.
The Yankees beat the Phillies to win their 27th World Series. Water is discovered on the moon. DC sniper John Allen Mohammed is executed. Abe Pollin and Ken Ober die. Michelle Obama goes on "Sesame Street" for the show's 40th anniversary. Terrorist attacks on trains in Russia kill 27. Nidal Malik Hasan kills 13 in a shooting at Ft. Hood. Oprah Winfrey announces she will leave her show in 2011. Tiger Woods crashes his truck into a fire hydrant.
President Obama announces he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. GE sells NBC Universal to Comcast. Urban Meyer resigns as coach of Florida, then changes his mind, maybe. CBS announces it is canceling "As The World Turns." Avatar blows your mind even as it empties it. Amanda Knox is convicted of murder in Italy. Vic Chesnutt, George Michael, Brittney Murphy, Chris Henry and Oral Roberts die. Will Leitch writes these words, right now, this very second. Hello there.