Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

J Money BS:

Back in college, of course, I get into one of those hookup-striving nights... hit it off with a girl I sort of know, lots of flirting, little making out, etc. Oh, let's go get something to eat. Okay, whatever. Eventually — finally — back to her apartment. So we get to her house and she wants to show me her parakeet. No, not a metaphor. An actual parakeet. Opens the cage, takes him out... oh, look, he perches on your hand, how wonderful. I go back to feeling her up and the whole kiss from behind, trying to get her motor running and to, you know, get her mind onto something besides her bird. She puts the parakeet back in the cage. We get back to heavy petting and whatnot.

For some reason, we go down to the floor and not the couch, bedroom, whatever. Maybe it was our youth. Doesn't sound like fun now. Anyway, we're making out hardcore, her shirt's off, we're rolling around, and so forth. I decide, naturally, to go for the bra hooks to keep this party going. As I'm reaching around for the bra (remember, we're on the floor), I feel what feels like....feathers. Something soft. Huh. So I do that thing we've all done where you open your eyes and look around while kissing... you know, usually it's to see a sportscenter highlight or whatever, but I'm trying to figure out what's behind her. I am able to glance at the floor and see....the parakeet. Lying there lifeless...neck broken. Whoops.

Apparently, she forgot to close the door to the cage (I guess I distracted her), the parakeet exited and was trying to get near her... or me...or whatever. I don't know. But we somehow rolled over him and killed him and didn't even know it.

What did I do? I just went back to making out, a bit preoccupied, trying to think of what to do... do I shove him under the sofa and hope she doesn't notice till I'm gone? I froze, of course, and she noticed him when we got up to head to the bedroom. Yeah, that sort of killed the mood for her.

Fucking parakeet.

Indeed.

Bobby:

I was a junior in college at the University of Wisconsin. I hung out with a large group of girls, one of whom I had flirted with fairly successfully a few times before. She would go on to date a defensive lineman and future NFL player, a big old farm boy from around Stevens Point. Anyway, we hooked up one night after a long evening of drinking. We're going at it, she's on top. Right in the middle of the act, she reaches down and grabs my head with both hands and says "Have you ever thought of doing something different with your hair?"

Same thing happens anytime Jimmy Clausen hooks up with a chick.

Brandon:

I had an experience in college that was the most devastating of my entire trying to hook-up career. It haunts me to this day. We had new neighbors move in at the beginning of my junior year and the neighbors were 5 attractive girls. I would have hooked up with any of them, but 2 were extremely hot. I had been working on one of the 2 since the semester started in August of 2004. This horrific event took place in October of 2004 right before the presidential election. I am a conservative (yes, some of us do actually read the site and enjoy hooking up with women) and the girl I was after turned out to be a bleeding heart liberal.

So finally after 2 months of working my ass off for this girl I finally get her to come up to my room after a party. I closed the door and we start getting into things. She took off my fleece to reveal the anti John Kerry t-shirt I had previously drunkenly purchased. I don't know why I chose to wear the shirt (probably because it was the only clean one I had), but as soon as she saw the shirt she began yelling at me about politics and trying to talk about the upcoming election, why I am an idiot, etc. So after a few minutes of that she left and I never came close to having another chance with her. Pure hell.

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"I woulda fucked her with a Bush mask on!"

Andy:

This is to go along with your experience with watching Dead Man Walking. I had a girl come over to my place from the bar when she suggested we watch a movie. Now, I didn't think anything of it at the time, and grabbed the most readily available DVD. Turns out my roommate had been watching KIDS, and popped it in so as to resume making out on the couch. An hour and a half later I have a girl far too sketched out by "Shhhhh Jenny, it's just me, Casper," to want to so much as look at me.

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Oh, God. Brutal. Could've been worse. Could've been GUMMO.

Gargamel:

I will try and keep this short, but its a long, wonderfully awful story. During college I spent a summer in Ann Arbor. There weren't a ton of students around so every night you were basically getting drunk with the same people and there were only a few girls. One of these girls was an attractive big breasted girl who was less than shy. She had hooked up with two or three of my friends and had had her eye on me for a little while now.

One night I was even more hammered than usual and she "trapped" me in the kitchen to talk for a second. While looking at those ta-tas, I gave in a told her we needed to go to her place. We quickly went around the corner to her place and started going at it sloppily and slowly. Being that drunk I was lazy and only managed to get her top off (well worth the energy), while she had stripped me bare and was orally pleasuring me. All of the sudden I felt a lump in my throat and leapt to my feet making a mad dash to the bathroom. Throwing open the door, I threw up everywhere but in the toilet.

After a quick clean up of the bathroom, I went out into the hallway where she stood with my clothes in a pile pushing them into my chest. I dressed as quickly as I could and she led me out to the back door. I had never left this way from her place and was still fucked up enough to miss the gate to my left instead attempting to climb the chain link fence. I made it but cut myself under my knee so badly that upon waking up the next morning it looked like a horses head had been put in my bed.

I didn't really think any of this was too bad until the next night when we all went over to her place for a house party. When I walked in, all of her roommates glared at me and shook their heads. I grabbed a beer and went over to her to apologize. She looked at me and smiled.

Me: Why are all your roommates looking at me like I killed their dog?
Her: You don't remember?
Me: I threw up yeah, but I think I cleaned in up well.

Her eyes widen and she laughs while asking…

Her: You don't remember throwing my roommate (female) out of the bathroom while she was peeing?
Me: What? Really?
Her: She comes into my room asking 'why is there a naked guy with a boner busting into her bathroom and telling her to get out before throwing up all over the room?'.
Me: (Takes long chug of beer) Can I get this beer to go?