Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Tiger Woods: the hot sauce! Tiger Woods: the sex doll! Tiger Woods: the flamethrower!


• Oregon's backfield pleaded guilty to separate crimes in the same courtroom yesterday. Quarterback and laptop thief Jeremiah Masoli copped to second-degree burglary and has been suspended for the 2010 season. (Former wide receiver Garrett Embry, no longer with the team, entered the same plea.) Running back LaMichael James pleaded guilty to misdemeanor harassment. He'll miss the Ducks' season opener. Everyone got only probation and community service. This is considered a huge blow to the Snake River Correctional football team.

• Ben Roethlisberger's legal team has hired a private eye, Charles Mittelstadt, who as we speak is examining every inch of the Capital City john with his magnifying glass. I am sure he will do everything in his powers to respect the accuser's wish for privacy and not leak any bits of her sexual past to TMZ.

• Here's a nice guide to winning your March Madness office pool, from people who talk about money for a living.


• Speaking of which, Minnesota's back on the bubble; Illinois is probably in; UNLV upsets BYU; and Gerard Anderson of Cal State Fullerton dunks on some poor kid's head in a way that I'm fairly certain violates molestation statutes in 10 states. Somewhere, Fred Weis just winced:

• Former Jazz center Robert Whaley was arrested Thursday with several baggies of marijuana "between his buttocks." Dank, indeed.

• Red Reporter has a fascinating interview with swing coach Jaime Cevallos, the bat whisperer who last year turned Ben Zobrist into the guy some lucky bastard in your fantasy league never stopped bragging about.

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Good morning. It's Saturday. Bear with us.