In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like sports shouters, whose soapboxes were raised an extra couple inches thanks to Tiger Woods' triumphantly selfish return to Augusta.

Tiger Woods returning to the Masters is the right call. No, it's not, but it's the logical choice. Yes, it's good for golf, but is it good for Tiger? It's great for CBS, though. Oh, and Tiger has no shot at winning. He could win, though. He's still the favorite. But even if he does win, he's still not a hero— remember that. But let's try to maintain some dignity when we write about this, shall we?

Runner up: The world's second smallest man.