Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•An Alabama couple named their son "Crimson Tide Redd." Either they're big fans of the team, or big fans of menstruation.

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•Joey Porter won't be charged in connection with his DUI arrest. Porter spent his Friday night in a Taco Bell in Bakerfield; I guess they figure he's suffered enough.

•Both Louisville's Rick Pitino and Pitt's Jamie Dixon re-up with their respective schools. Because no college hoops coach has ever coached out their contract, this simply means "they'll be back next year."

•Oh look, you — the collective millions of NBA fans — now have 1 out of the 125 votes for the MVP race. If this is anything like the All-Star Game fiasco, expect Allen Iverson to receive a vote.

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•If you're around, consider tonight's Gelf's Varsity Letters sports reading series, featuring Lee Lowenfish, Emma Span, and Christopher MacDougall. That's assuming any of you still read anymore.

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Yes, it's April first. Thirty percent of today's posts won't actually be true. See if you can guess which.