In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the good of people of Pittsburgh, who don't stand for miscreants, rabble rousers, or hippies. Plus, their heroes very rarely get charged with crimes.
Lost in yesterday's madness about whether Ben Roethlisberger did or didn't leave his DNA in some stranger—you can't prove anything!—is the fact that teammate Jeff "The Situation" Reed also escaped serious punishment for his run-in with the law last fall. Unless you consider 40 hours of community service with the Salvation Army to be serious punishment. A judge agreed to drop resisting arrest and assault charges against Reed as long as he puts in his used clothes selling time and doesn't punch any cops. Still worse than what the QB got, but I guess he'll take it.
So I guess that wraps everything up in a nice and tidy package. Or it will, once someone asks Matt Bahr what he thinks of the current Steelers place kicker. You see, the only opinion that really matters in this life is the opinion of the guy who had the same job title you did 30 years ago. It may have been a long time since Terry Bradshaw stopped being the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, but his opinions about groupies are still relevant. And if he's not happy with Ben Roethlisberger's attitude, well ... actually, I'm not sure why that matters.
(You know what? I just remembered that Terry Bradshaw is the guy who helps explain football to America every Sunday morning during the season. The guy from Hooper!)
As for Santonio Holmes, well ... he won't be bothering Western Pennsylvania anymore will he? Terry's still grumpy, no one is going to jail, and America's most morally upright sports franchise remains unblemished. UNBLEMISHED. No wonder I slept so soundly.