Two freak accidents in two days, and it's clear that spectators in Milwaukee are taking their lives in their hands when they come out for a ballgame, what with all the flying bat shards, and falling fans.
You'd think you're safe, sitting 10 rows behind the on-deck circle. It'd take a bizarre piece of physics for a ball to hit you on a line there. But no one was counting on a head-seeking bat. During yesterday's game, a sharp piece of Alcides Escobar's bat sheared off, bounced off of several fans, and nailed a young boy in the head.
It wasn't even the strangest injury at the park in a 30-hour span. That'd be what went down before Sunday's game, when a visiting Cubs fan leaned too far for a foul ball in batting practice and fell 14 feet to the field, probably making a cartoon-like splat.
Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot said he turned after the man hit the ground and saw ''the dirt flying up from him hitting. Wow. Very shaken up. Very shaken up. ... Very scary.''
Both fans were okay. They were the lucky ones. Despite a Brewers spokesman actually having to tell the media that the park is a safe place, its history indicates that it might be built on an Indian burial ground. In 2004, a man fell to his death from an escalator. During the construction of Miller Park, three workers were killed when a crane collapsed in high winds — their blood, no doubt, lubricating the park's ironwork and crying out for vengeance.
But where does Miller Park rank with the league's other death traps? Does it measure up to the numerous lawsuits filed by fans who've injured themselves on AT&T Park's giant Coca-Cola slide? Can it compete with the tragic decapitation of Mr. Redlegs at the Great American Ball Park? Perhaps nothing can match the scale of the deaths and maimings caused by Shea Stadium's escalators, which got to the point where they had to tear down the stadium at the bequest of the Vatican's top exorcist.
I guess what we're saying is, stay tuned for our next recurring feature, "Why Your Stadium Will Kill You."
[UPDATE: Oh God, it got Uecker! Save yourselves!]