Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•With three of the Yankees' "core four" down with injuries, possibly as a result of this SI cover, the makers of Bubble Wrap have sent a batch to Derek Jeter to keep him safe. The makers of ChapStick have done the same for Alex Rodriguez.
•Johan Franzen's four goals — three for a natural hatty — lead the Red Wings to a 7-1 spanking over San Jose, and makes it a 3-1 series. Which doesn't mean the Sharks still can't sweep in 5.
•Though they actually trailed at the half, Orlando woke up in time to make game 2 a laugher. Not a laughing matter: Dwight Howard's bloody nose. Which, you know, you've seen Royce Reed, healthy humans might want to stay away from.
•The Canadiens rally in the third, to tie their series with the Pens at 2 apiece. You have been warned, people of Montreal. You have at least two more games to move your cars off the streets, lest they be tipped and burned.
•The All-NBA first team doesn't have a point guard or power forward. The third team has three centers. Basically, the All-NBA Team is a list of the current best 15 basketball players, which just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Friday already? We're not complaining.